Variables
by Little-Rabbittt
Summary: It had taken months, (76 days, 13 hours, and 9 minutes to be exact,) of awkwardness, sidelong glances, and fake smiles for Spencer Reid to come to terms with his feelings for Derek Morgan. He had almost died. Well, technically he had almost died several times. It was only this time, though, that he realized that the one constant in his life was Morgan. Will be T in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

It had taken months, (76 days, 13 hours, and 9 minutes to be exact,) of awkwardness, sidelong glances, and fake smiles for Spencer Reid to come to terms with his feelings for Derek Morgan. He had almost died. Well, technically he had almost died several times. It was only this time, though, that he realized that the one constant in his life was Morgan.

Morgan was always the one who was there when he woke up, always the one that rode with him in the ambulance. It was Morgan's voice who broke through the haze of pain and confusion and that damn tea kettle sound. It buried itself in his subconscious and wrapped itself around his heart.

At first he tried to ignore it. That was an impossible feat. Anytime Morgan would pat his back or ruffle his hair or call him pretty boy his stomach would flip flop and his breathing would speed. The next thing he tried was rationalizing it. Hero worship. That had to be what's going on. He'd simply put Morgan on a pedestal because his was the first voice he heard when he regained consciousness in the ambulance. Classic idealization. Easy. Cut and dry.

The little voice in the back of his head whispered at him that made no sense. Alex was the first person he saw when he woke up. Penelope not only fed him, but saved his life as well, killed a man for him. So if he were to follow that logic he would have to be in love with had idealized one of them. That idea was out the window. On to the next one.

Maybe this was what brotherly love was. Spencer had been an only child, he didn't know what it was like to have a brother to love. Maybe this was how it felt. He had always loved his friend, but as a friend. Loving someone like family is different, and having male family to love was a new experience for Reid. He shoved the thoughts that brothers don't look at each other the way he looked at Morgan, that brothers don't feel butterflies upon making eye contact, that brothers don't have to fight the urge to lean into one another's touch to the back of his mind.

Those thoughts were easy to ignore until he had the first dream. The carefully constructed walls came crashing down and he was forced to consider the fact that maybe he had feelings – real feelings – for Derek Morgan. So he shut down. He didn't look him in the eyes and avoided talking to him at all costs. He flinched away when Morgan leaned over to muss his hair or steal his glasses. Morgan got the hint.

Well, not really. Morgan thought Reid was mad at him. He began obsessively thinking over the last few weeks, trying to figure out what he had done or said to hurt Reid. He came up blank, which was endlessly frustrating. He moved on, thinking something else must be bothering him. Could it be Maeve? Was he using again? Was he seeing someone new? Nothing properly explained his behavior. He began to quietly panic, desperate to get to the bottom of his best friend's obvious distress.

It was late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning depending on how you look at it, when Morgan made the decision to confront Reid. He drove to his apartment, working out in his head what he would say, revising the words in an attempt to make them sound less selfish. I mean, how was he supposed to go about this? _"Hey, Reid, have you been avoiding eye contact with me lately?" _That sounded so stupid. But something in his gut screamed warning signs at him.

Reid was reading. Or, trying to at least. He couldn't focus on the words, his thoughts drifting to Morgan. He knew this couldn't go on forever. Something had to give. He'd either have to get over it or tell Morgan how he felt. Or he could bury it so deep that no one could convince him it was even real. The latter was very tempting, but then he would drift to Morgan's lips and what they would feel like against his, or Morgan's hands and how they would feel running affectionately through his hair, and he knew that this wasn't something he could forget about. At least, not in this lifetime. There was a knock at his door.

His stomach fluttered as the profiler in him immediately identified the confident, sure, single knock against his door as undoubtedly Derek Morgan's. He walked slowly, glancing at his reflection as he passed the mirror in the hallway. He was a mess. His hair was tangled and wild from him running his fingers through it. His eyes were clouded with exhaustion, rimmed with dark circles. He tried to pat down his hair, to no avail. If anything it looked worse. Making a disgusted face at himself he turned away and answered the door.

He wasn't expecting Morgan to be so close to the door and jumped back in surprise.

"Ahh! Morgan! Were you planning on breaking down my door?"

Morgan swallowed and shifted his weight, "you didn't answer."

"You knocked twice!"

"Sorry, kid. Do you have a minute?"

Reid licked his lips and stepped aside, gesturing for Morgan to enter. He stepped through, his presence effortlessly filling the room.

"Do you…" he swallowed, "do you want something to drink?"

"I'm alright, kid. Thanks."

They spent a moment awkwardly facing each other, unsure of what to do.

"Is everything okay?" Reid asked.

"Is everything okay with _you_?" Morgan countered.

"What? Me?"

"Don't answer a question with a question. Somethin's up, kid. I can tell."

"I don't uh, I don't know what you're…I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's just me, pretty boy."

"Exactly." Reid mumbled, then clasped his hand over his mouth, hadn't having meant to say that out loud.

"I knew it! What'd I do? I'm sorry."

"How can you be sorry if you don't even know what you did?"

"So I _did_ do something. What was it, kid? Cause I can guarantee I didn't mean to."

"Oh, believe me, I know you didn't mean to."

"Would you just tell me, please?"

"Morgan…it's not…um, it's not your problem. Don't worry about it, okay?" Reid forced a smile, but it looked briefly like tears were swimming in his big brown eyes.

"You're gonna have to do better than that, kid. I'm not stupid. Just tell me. What did I do?"

"It's not you."

"So what's wrong?"

"_You._"

"Well, that clears things up."

"God dammit, Morgan! I like you, okay? I look at you and I want to kiss you but I know that you would hate me if I did that and you probably hate me now and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

"You…I…huh?"

Reid didn't actually say anything back, just stared like a deer in the headlights, looking like he couldn't believe he'd just said that. There was a painful silence in the next few moments as Reid tried as hard as he could to make himself disappear and Morgan pondered his friend's sudden proclamation.

"No." Morgan's voice broke through the silence, too loud. Reid flinched back and gazed at him, wide eyed.

"What?" He whispered, voice shaking.

"That's ridiculous. What's the catch? You don't like me. You can't be that _stupid._"

Reid recoiled like he'd been hit, eyes filling up with tears.

"I'm sorry."

Morgan took a threatening step towards him and he shrank back.

"Stop saying that. Stop looking at me like I just broke your damn heart. I am _not _the bad guy here." Reid was frozen, much like a cornered animal, too afraid to move.

"I'm sorry. I'm…I'm sorry."

"I said stop. Saying. That."

Reid's timid gaze darted between Morgan's angry face and the floor rapidly as he lowered his head and hunched his shoulders, intentionally submissive in posture. He even raised his hands slightly in the air like when he confronted an unsub.

Reid's thoughts whirled around in his head, a tornado of adrenaline and confusion and fear. He finally settled on his favorite old clock, ticking away just like it always did.

_Tick _Morgan was gritting his teeth

_Tick _Morgan clenched his fists

_Tick _Morgan took a step forward

_Tick _Morgan grasped his shoulders

_Tick _He was thrown against the wall and his world exploded in pain

_Tick _His door slammed shut.

He was sitting on the floor, breathing heavily, too shocked to move. He stared at nothing, trying to process what had happened. His whole body hurt, but not nearly as bad as the agony that accompanied every heartbeat. Never before in his life had Spencer Reid wanted to die as badly as he did in that very moment.

When he finally gathered enough strength to move, he pushed himself away from the wall. His ribs gave a painful twinge and he gasped in response, only worsening the sharp ache. Yep, definitely fractured. He stumbled his way to his bathroom, yanking open his medicine cabinet. His eyes focused on the small vial of Dilaudid. He reached into the cabinet.

Shoving the vial out of the way, he curled his fingers around a bottle of sleeping pills, twisting the lid off and pouring several into his hand. He swallowed them without water and staggered to bed, collapsing on top of the covers in a heap and shutting his eyes. He fell asleep just like that, all curled up into himself. As if, if he could just curl up tight enough, he could use his own body to fill the hollowness in his chest.

The shrill beeping of his alarm clock stirred him from his drug-induced slumber. He fumbled around for it, mind cloudy. He slid his hands over it until he found the cord, which he ripped out of the wall. He was shivering, still laying in his jeans and undershirt on top of the covers. It took all his energy to open his eyes, swing his legs over the edge of the bed, and stand.

He made his way slowly to the bathroom, not bothering to look in the mirror as he brushed his teeth and hair. Throwing on the first clothes his hands touched, he grabbed his bag and book and rushed out the door, not bothering to lock it behind him.

When he got to the office, he made the executive decision to take the stairs instead of the elevator, on the off chance he get trapped in there with Morgan. He kept his head down when he walked into the bullpen, walking swiftly to his desk. He gently placed his bag next to his chair and sat. Grabbing the top file on his large stack, he got to work, not once bothering to survey the room. He knew from the tension-filled electricity in the air all he needed to know; Morgan was there.

"You alright, Spence?" JJ's soft, concerned voice broke into his thoughts. He glanced up into her pretty blue eyes, glimmering with worry.

"Yeah. Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"You just seemed quiet, that's all."

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine." He forced a smile that looked more like a grimace and trained his eyes back on his desk, chewing his lip.

"Fine? Now I know you're lying. What's up?"

"N-nothing. I'm just tired. I, uh, didn't sleep that well last night."

"Okay..." her voice was skeptical, and she smiled meaningfully at him, "but if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks, JJ."

"Of course."

The day passed uneventfully, with Reid painfully quiet and the rest of the team members eyeing him nervously. Well, all except one. When he finished with his last file, he immediately stood up and, eyes downcast, darted towards the elevator. The office was slowing down, the majority of people having left. He tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, hoping that if he could just get to the elevator unnoticed, no one would bother him and he could just leave, go home, sleep.

"Reid?" Spencer cringed at the sound of his name, slowly turning.

"Hotch?"

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're limping."

"Oh…yeah, I uh, I fell. At my house. I fell."

Hotch studied him intently while he squirmed. "Alright, well, if you need anything…"

"Right. Thanks, Hotch." The two men faced each other for a moment, Reid's gaze anxiously darting around while Hotch carefully observed his every move.

"Have a good night."

"Thanks. You too."

Hotch met his eyes before turning and walking back to his office, still unable to shake the feeling that something wasn't right. It was more than the stiff and careful way Reid moved. It was the way he flinched whenever anyone got near him, hands subconsciously moving as if to protect himself from being hit. Mostly, though, it was the glassy blank stare he held all day, not really looking at anyone or anything. But if Hotch knew one thing about Spencer Reid, it was that pushing him would not make him open up. He needed time and space, which Hotch would give. Another thing that struck him as odd was that Morgan didn't ask him what was wrong. Hotch sat down at his desk, pondering what that could mean.

The next day, Morgan cornered him while he was getting coffee.

"Reid."

Reid jumped and spilled coffee on the counter, shakily placing his cup on the counter before turning to meet Morgan's gaze.

"Y-yes?"

"You gotta stop jumping around like a caged rabbit whenever someone comes near you. It's getting suspicious. We – _I_ – don't need any questions being asked. So just…be normal, okay?"

"I'm sorry."

Morgan rolled his eyes. "Don't be sorry. Just stop it."

"Okay. I'm…okay." His voice was so soft, timid and sorry.

Morgan nodded once and turned around, walking out.

What Morgan hadn't realized was that it wasn't about the one incident. It was about the years and years of being shoved into lockers, yanked into storage closets and being doused with dirty mop water. It unlocked a deep instinct borne from so much time of being pushed and pulled and smacked around by people just like Derek Morgan. Alpha males, intimidated by nothing and no one. It had taken him years to unlearn the behavior, and that all came crashing down the second his back had hit the wall.

It took another five days of Reid re-teaching himself to not shy away any time he sensed a presence near him and practicing forced smiles in the mirror until they no longer looked painful before there was a familiar knock apartment door. Strong, confident, and sure.

Derek Morgan.


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: hey guys, I just wanted to say thanks for following. This is my first story and it means a lot that people are interested in seeing what happens. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks again. Now, onto the wonderful world of Morgan and Reid!**_

_**...**_

Every day that passed, Morgan felt worse about his actions. He shouldn't have put his hands on Reid. Watching him limp around was not nearly as sad as watching him flinch away from every single person who even got near him. His hands were perpetually shaky, eyes perpetually glossed over. He watched Reid make a concentrated effort to act more normal, which was more forced and fake than anything he'd ever seen. His smiles got less grimace-like, but they didn't ever reach his eyes.

It honestly killed him to see Reid in pain, no matter what the reason. He'd never discriminated against anyone based on their sexuality. He was still Reid, no matter what happened. He'd been so ridiculous, so hurtful. He shouldn't have said the thing he said or done the things he'd done. Reid was his friend, no matter what. He had to apologize. Damn. This was a mess. He felt a flare of anger at Reid for screwing everything up, but it melted away when he realized that it was in fact him that pushed Reid to tell him what was going on, him that got angry and irrational and mean.

So he drove to Reid's just like before, completely unsure of what to say but knowing things couldn't go on like this anymore. On the way there he couldn't shut off his mind. Memories flooded him, the time 9 years ago when Reid failed his gun qualification and he had to cover up his panic because he couldn't help but think that Reid was going to get killed and there was nothing he could do about it. Jesus Christ, best not forget when he got on that damn train and took off his damn vest and Morgan bit his tongue hard enough to bleed in order to keep from crying out, or a few weeks later when Reid shyly asked about nightmares and Morgan wanted to punch a wall because he didn't know how to _fix it. _

Bile rose to his throat when he thought of Tobias Hankel. He would never forgive himself for not being to one to kill Tobias. He still shook with anger when he pictured Reid lying helpless on the floor, cowering in terror. He had to physically swallow vomit when he realized that was the same look he had when he had pushed him into the wall. His mind shied away from that instinctively. He smiled slightly to himself in remembering when Reid got "propositioned by every prostitute he talked to." He remembered looking at Reid as he nodded confirmation to Hotch's statement, and the slow jealousy that crept up his spine when he saw his rumpled clothes and flushed cheeks.

Nothing was quite as frightening, though, as the Anthrax. Listening to Reid cough over the phone and struggle to breathe through the pain. Seeing him standing there, getting hosed off, was almost his undoing. The paleness of his skin and the rattle in his lungs was unbearable to listen to. It shook him to his core when he realized that he thought daily about killing everyone who'd ever laid a hand on Reid (starting with his POS father), yet he'd never thought twice about those who'd hurt the other members of his team. What was even more unnerving was the fact that every time he saw or thought of Spencer his stomach erupted in butterflies. He was beyond screwed.

Déjà vu crashed over him as he took the stairs two at a time to Reid's floor, but walked as slowly as possible down the hall. He hesitated for several moments at the door, before raising his hand and knocking once. Strong, confident, and sure.

Panic flared through Reid as he stood frozen, staring at his door. _Ignore it_, he thought, _pretend you're not home. _

"Reid, I know you're in there. Open up. We gotta talk."

Swallowing thickly, Reid walked in a trance to the door, raising a trembling hand to the knob. He opened it and came face to face with Derek Morgan. He took a step forward into Reid's home, Reid scrambling backwards and huddling protectively against the wall. He was shaking, hard enough for it to be visible to Morgan, who cringed and softened his body language.

"Kid. I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I promise. I just want to talk." Reid said nothing, only stared wide-eyed at Morgan, head down, shoulders hunched. Submissive. Scared. Morgan gritted his teeth at the sight, raising his arms slowly like he would to talk down an unsub. "Reid? I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did."

Reid stayed where he was, cautiously eyeing Morgan. Not even a flicker of trust crossed his face, only fear and discomfort and shame. "Don't be, please. Don't be sorry. You reacted the way any person would upon learning _I _have feelings for them." He frowned and shook his head in apparent disgust. "It's really okay, I completely understand. You don't have to apologize as some guilty gesture. I don't blame you. It's my fault."

Morgan was momentarily irritated by what Reid was implying, but the utter sincerity of his voice dissolved his frustration. Reid honest to God believed this was all his fault, all his fault for feeling the way he did, being who he was. He took another step forward, stomach dropping when Reid cowered, breath visibly speeding.

"Reid, _Spencer_, I'm not angry with you. I promise. I am _not _going to hurt you. I just want to talk."

"I'm sorry."

"Reid, stop. Please. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Okay…"

"Reid. I'm sorry I was an ass. I'm sorry I pushed you. I'm sorry I yelled. But this," he made a gesture between the two of them, "can't happen."

"I know."

"But we can still be friends, right, kid? Just like we used to be?"

"Y-yeah. Just like we used to." He forced a smile.

"No, no, no, c'mon kid. Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"This whole forced thing you've been doing for the past week."

"Okay." His expression was still completely neutral, though. A perfect poker face.

Morgan reached out to pat his shoulder and he cringed, flattening himself against the wall and grimacing as the sudden pressure aggravated his aching ribs. Morgan pretended to ignore the action, but couldn't ignore the pain that flickered across Reid's face when he pressed against the wall.

"Hey, how badly are you hurt?"

"Hurt?"

"From when I…" Morgan's voice trailed off as he studied Reid.

His voice cooled, "Oh, no, you didn't hurt me. It's fine."

"Kid."

"Really, don't worry about it. You probably have somewhere to be anyway. I'm alright."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"I figured you'd want to."

"Not unless you want me to."

"I…it's whatever you want, Morgan."

"Got any beer?"

"Um, no. I have chocolate milk, water, orange juice, and coffee. Decaf and regular. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. Could I get a glass of water?"

"Of course!" Reid scurried into the kitchen, coming back minutes later with a glass of water and a glass of chocolate milk. Morgan smiled.

"Is there anything you want to watch?"

"Um, I don't really watch much television. I'm sure there's a game on somewhere, though, if you want to look?" He was still fidgety and anxious, trying almost desperately to please Morgan. He was afraid that at any moment everything would fall apart and Morgan would get angry all over again.

Morgan decided to give him time, not push it. He smiled at the offered remote and took it, switching the T.V. on, flipping through the channels until he landed on a hockey game that he didn't really pay attention to, turning to face Reid.

"Really, Reid, how badly are you hurt?"

"Physically?" Reid shut his eyes and took a breath, frustrated with himself for allowing the word to escape. "I mean, uh, it's not that bad. Just a few bruises." He smiled a little, trying to reassure Morgan that he was alright in secret hopes that he would leave, for his very presence was painful and Reid just wanted to take some sleeping pills and forget everything for a while.

"Can I see?"

Reid's eyes grew large and his pupils dilated. "What?"

"Please?"

"I…why?"

"Just humor me, kid."

With that, Reid lifted his shirt and exposed to Morgan his back. _That's more than a few bruises, _Morgan thought, flinching at the black and blue covering Reid's back. It was only then he noticed how shallow his breathing was. Like someone with a – "did you break a rib?"

Reid yanked his shirt back down and turned to face Morgan. "No."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not. It's probably just a hairline fracture anyway."

"Dammit, Reid! Same difference! Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not your problem."

_"Spencer." _Reid's eyes met Morgan's at the sound of his first name. They stared at each other for a moment, before Morgan reached out and brushed a long curl from his face. Reid tensed in fear for a moment, before his eyes fluttered closed and he leaned slightly into the touch like a cat. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."

Reid opened his eyes and smiled his first real smile in days. "I know."

"I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, man. I panicked. Had sort of had a fight or flight or freeze response," he shrugged, "I fought."

Reid gently laid his hand on top of Morgan's. "You don't have to keep explaining yourself to me, Morgan. I get it, I forgive you. I was never really even mad." Those words, meant to be comforting, were actually like a knife into Morgan's heart. After all he did, his pretty boy wasn't even mad at him. When he looked up at Morgan with those big brown eyes, all warmth and sweetness and apprehension, he decided to tell him why he freaked.

"Pretty boy, Reid, I freaked 'cuz I was scared."

"Morgan-", Reid began, only to be cut off.

"Spencer, I was scared because I feel it too. You look at me with those sweet brown eyes and all I want is to grab you and protect you from everything bad in the world." He saw Reid stop breathing and go completely still, a rabbit who's just sensed a predator and is debating whether to freeze or run for the hills. "Please don't be scared. I'm not gonna hurt you." It was too late, Spencer was tense and wide eyed, locked on Morgan's every move.

"Why are you doing this?" He finally whispered after sever minutes of silence thick enough to cut with a knife.

"I'm not trying to-"

"Please, Morgan."

"Please what?"

"I don't know." Reid sounded close to tears. His shoulders slumped in exhaustion and his voice shook. He met Morgan's eyes, looking sad and tired and unsure. Morgan scooted closer to him, and he was all at once too tired to resist when Morgan slipped his arm around his shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, pretty boy. I've put you through hell."

Reid just shrugged tiredly and mumbled, "s'okay. I'm used to it." Again, words that Reid had intended to ease Morgan's guilt pierced his heart and turned his stomach. For a brief moment Morgan actually felt like vomiting. _I'm used to it. _Sweet Reid. He deserved so much and got so little. Morgan was very, very sorry he'd contributed to that.

They sat for a while, Reid soon beginning to fall asleep on his shoulder, exhausted and overwhelmed and soothed by the scent of Morgan. When Reid's breathing began to even out, Morgan started running his fingers through his hair. Reid _hmm-_ed slightly and arched into the affectionate touch. Morgan's stomach fluttered and both men, terrified out of their minds, smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: shoutout to Sue1313 for her kind words. I really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Okay, now onto our story! **

**...**

An hour later and Reid had completely passed out on Morgan, giving him time to ponder their current situation. He was scared, _terrified_, and yet completely at peace for the first time in a week. He continued to run his fingers through Reid's hair, grown out from when he'd cut it a year ago, considering what this could all mean. He'd always, on some level, loved Reid. Like a friend, a brother. But this was…he didn't know what the hell this was. All he knew was that it wasn't entirely unpleasant. His eyes darted to the clock. The soft red light flashed 2:04 a.m.

"Pretty boy?" No response. "Reid? Reid!" Kid was a heavy sleeper. Morgan began shaking him softly. Reid stirred. "Spencer, it's two in the morning."

"Stay," he slurred sleepily, fingers curling tightly around the soft fabric of Morgan's shirt.

"What was that, kid?"

"Huh?"

"What did you say?"

"I said something?"

Morgan chuckled, smoothing his hair away from his face, "yeah, kid. Don't worry about it now. It's two in the morning though. I'm not sure what you wanted to, uh,"

"You can go." He sat straight up and gestured to the door, smiling thinly.

"Spencer?"

"It's okay, Morgan. I understand."

"Underst – what are you talking about?" Spencer just shook his head. "Kid, me waking you up to tell you that it's late doesn't mean that I want to leave or that I regret anything I said."

Spencer just studied him for a moment before stepping forward, leaning his head on his chest. "I'm tired."

"Let's get you to bed," and with that Morgan scooped him up and headed towards the bedroom.

"Morgan, put me down!" His words were thick with sleep and humor, and Morgan couldn't resist tickling him. He shrieked with laughter, and soon they were both collapsed on Reid's bed, giggling like a bunch of teenage girls.

"You shoulda heard yourself," Morgan's words were punctuated with snickers, "you screamed like a little girl!"

"You tickled me!" His voice sobered up, "did you know that there are actually two different types of tickling? One is light tickling, called a knismesis, which generally doesn't cause laughter but instead an unpleasant itching sensation. The second type of tickling, gargalesis, is the repeated tickling of a particular spot on the body that stimulates laughter, and sometimes even eroti – um, it wasn't until 1897 that tickling was defined by G. Stanley Hall and Arthur Allin, who were actually psychologists."

Morgan looked at Reid and smiled affectionately. "Is that so?"

Reid just nodded, grinning back. Morgan reached out his arm and tugged Reid to his side, Reid curling up against him like a sleepy kitten. Reid's hair was so soft, Morgan couldn't help reaching out to run his fingers through it. Reid hummed and closed his eyes once more, leaning into the light touch. His breathing slowly evened out until Morgan was sure he was asleep. Morgan was pondering what this meant, his feelings for Reid, whether he should leave, when the air conditioning kicked on. Reid shivered in the sudden cold and pressed himself tighter against Morgan, draping his arm over his chest like a child snuggling a teddy bear. Well, leaving was certainly out of the picture. Morgan's heart swelled at the innocent, trusting gesture. Even in his sleep, Reid sought him out for warmth.

A shiver running through his own body, Morgan realized just how cool it had gotten in the room. They needed to get under the covers. He went to stand, shifting his body, but Reid grasped on, whimpering softly.

"Pretty boy."

"Mmmm?"

"Baby, it's cold. We need to get you under the covers, okay?"

"Please don't leave me." Reid's voice was muted with sleep, but clear enough for Morgan to understand him. He had to blink away tears.

"Spencer, I'm not leavin' you. It's cold in here. I'm gonna get us under the covers." Reid briefly clung tighter onto his shirt, before letting go and starting to sit up. "Say put, kid. Hold on a sec." He got up, pulling the comforter back and moving back to Reid, scooping him up. He almost expected Reid to struggle again, but instead he tiredly wrapped his arms around Morgan's neck, curling against him and shivering once more.

Gently placing Reid on the bed, Morgan threaded his fingers through his hair, pushing it off his face. Seeing him sleeping peacefully, a slight smile on his face, Morgan was unable to resist leaning down and pressing his lips against his forehead. His eyelids fluttered and he stared groggily up at Morgan,

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom. I'll be right back."

Reid nodded, eyes slipping shut and lips curving upward, "please come back."

He didn't.

Reid woke up to a cold bed, frantically searching his apartment for any sign last night was real. Tears ran down his cheeks as he called for his friend. He begged the empty air for Morgan to come back to him. The air spoke back to him,

"Reid!" It sounded oddly like Morgan, which only made the tears stream faster down his face. Suddenly, the bottle of Dilaudid sitting in his bathroom didn't sound so bad.

**AN: okay, that's it for today. **

**Oh come on, I'm not that mean! Here ya go!(:**

**...**

When Morgan came back from the bathroom Reid was in the fetal position, breathing softly. With the warm light flowing in from the open window illuminating him and shining golden in his hair, Morgan briefly thought that Reid looked just like an angel. Beautiful. He slipped under the covers and curved his warm body around Reid's cold one. It started out soft, quiet enough for Morgan to sleep through if it weren't for his morbid curiosity. Pretty boy was talking in his sleep. It was just jumbled nonsense at first, but as he grew progressively more restless, his mutterings became progressively more panicked. Eventually Morgan could make out one word being repeated over and over again. His name.

It wasn't long before he could hear other words thrown in there too, words like "please," and "why," and "sorry," all leading up to the strangled sob of "you promised!" That was the last straw, he couldn't sit and listen to this. He grasped Reid's shoulder, calling his name. No response, not even to the touch. He began shaking and almost yelling for him. Finally, much to Morgan's relief, Reid's body jerked and his eyes flew open. His breathing was labored and pain registered on his face as his sore ribs ached.

"Pretty boy. It's me. I'm here. You were dreaming, kid." Morgan had sat up when Reid sprang up and clutched his chest. He focused his wild eyes on Morgan's face, breath slowing.

"Morgan?" The confusion in his voice almost broke his heart.

"Yes, baby. I'm right here."

"You…you're…?" His voice trailed off as he stared at Morgan like he was Jesus Christ himself.

"It was a dream. Whatever happened wasn't real."

"It wasn't real?"

"No, baby. It was just a dream."

Reid brushed a hand through his hair and locked eyes with Morgan. "Oh." The relief that coursed through him that moment was unparalleled. A dream. Morgan was here, with him, in his bed. Tears were still running down his cheeks. "I…I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. 'S not your fault. Do you want to share?"

"I had a nightmare."

"Yeah, I gathered that. What was it about?"

"Ah – just – nothing."

"I know it was about me, pretty boy. What happened?"

"I woke up and you were gone."

Morgan's chest gave a painful twinge at the soft words. "Pretty boy…" he started, hooking a finger under his chin so as to meet his eyes, "I'm not leavin' you. I will be here as long as you want me here." Reid just nodded in response, laying back down with Morgan, curling himself against the older agent's side.

"I need coffee."

Morgan chuckled, "of course you do, kid. Need me to run out and harvest a sugar cane field for you, or do you need two?"

Reid laughed sarcastically. "I like my coffee sweet, so sue me."

"Hmm, what else do you like sweet, pretty boy?" Morgan's voice was low and husky, sending goose bumps up Reid's arms and the suggestive words a blush to his cheeks.

He playfully reached up and smacked Morgan, laughing at the resulting "ouch!"

"Oh please. I barely touched you."

"Oh whatever. How would you like it if I smacked you?"

"You don't have a reason to smack me! I don't say stupid things!"

The rest of their day went similarly, light and easy, lots of laughs and Reid curled up against Morgan, with Morgan running his fingers through his hair.

After dinner, they were sitting on the couch teasing one another like usual.

"I can't believe you have no alcohol in this house. Are ya twelve?"

"So I don't drink! Get back to me when your liver fails at 65."

"Whatever, kid. Get back to me when _you're _65 and you have no stories to tell your grandkids!"

"No stories – Morgan, I've been infected with Anthrax!" Reid regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Morgan's eyes hardened and he tensed.

"Yeah, don't remind me. Talk about the worst day of my life."

"I'm sorry, Morgan, I shouldn't have –"

"No, kid, it's your story to tell. Don't feel bad." But he couldn't stop the memories from flooding him. Reid, frantically locking the door, fixing him with wide, terrified eyes. Reid, whispering to Hotch that he'd really messed up this time. Reid, coughing over the phone and apologizing for it, _apologizing_ for having Anthrax. Reid, shivering and soaked as they hosed him down, looking at him like a scared child.

"Morgan?" Reid's soft voice pulled him from his reverie.

"C'mere, kid." He could no longer resist pulling Reid to his side and into his arms, if for no other reason than to remind himself that Reid was _alive. _His pretty boy was here and he was alive and he was safe. Reid happily obliged, snuggling into Morgan's warm side eagerly. Morgan rolled a lock of Reid's soft hair between his fingers while Reid hummed contentedly. "Reid?"

"Yeah?"

Morgan shifted and hooked a finger under Reid's chin, meeting his eyes. He was momentarily lost in their sweet brown depths, then he took a moment to really look at him. Soft brown hair, luminescent skin, wide brown eyes framed by a thick fringe of lashes, and finally, settling on slightly parted pink lips.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: thank you guys so much for the kind reviews. Y'all are too sweet. **_

_**Okay, so here's a chapter of fluff to prepare you for the next chapter... ;D **_

_**...**_

Spencer Reid had never had much experience in the affection department, but there was no mistaking the look in Morgan's eyes. Gentle and adoring, darkening slightly as the settled on his lips. He licked them nervously, heart fluttering at Morgan's sharp intake of breath. His stomach knotted and twisted with anxious butterflies. Morgan was just so…attractive. The epitome of masculine perfection. Reid's breathing sped as he studied the older man.

"Morgan," he whispered breathlessly, and then Morgan's lips were on his. It was tentative and uncertain, but soft and pleasant nonetheless. Morgan pulled away and they once again locked eyes, breathing unevenly. Morgan's hands were all at once cupping Reid's cheeks, almost unnaturally warm and painstakingly gentle. His fingertips oh-so-delicately traced Spencer's features as if stroking the most fragile of flowers. It was hands down the most pleasant sensation Reid had ever felt.

"Spencer," the word was almost inaudible before his lips once again crashed into Reid's. This kiss was the opposite of the first. It was the end all be all of kisses. It was demanding and needy and Reid gladly gave, parting his lips so their tongues could timidly touch each other. That set both of them on fire and before either could really comprehend what was happening Reid was straddling Morgan, a white-knuckled grasp on his shirt and Morgan had his fingers threaded through Reid's silken hair. Neither stopped to ask how they learned to breathe each other's air or if Reid's breathy whining would alert the neighbors. They were consumed in one another.

When they broke apart they were both dazed and flushed, lips swollen, breathing ragged. The wow didn't need to be spoken, it hung in the air between them.

"I, uh…" Morgan began, unsure of what to say now.

"Yeah," Reid answered breathlessly, "yeah." They studied each other's eyes, before coming back to earth and realizing their position. Reid was still on Morgan's lap, Morgan's fingers still entangled in Reid's hair. Reid slid off Morgan's lap, blushing and smirking.

"Pretty boy?"

"Yes?"

"That was..."

"Tell me about it. My heart rate has to be, like, three times normal. Did you know that kissing actually –"

"Baby boy, I'm sure that's about to be a really interesting fact, but we have work tomorrow."

Reid's face fell and his eyes sought the floor. He pursed his lips as he peeked up at Morgan, expecting him to leave, stomach clenching at the thought. Then Morgan's lips were on his in a languid kiss that made Reid's eyes roll back in his head. "What was that for?" He asked breathlessly.

"You're cute when you're pouting."

"I wasn't pouting!"

"Were too. I didn't mean I was gonna leave, sweetness, I just meant we should get ready for bed." His voice had a teasing lilt Reid didn't appreciate.

"You can leave if you want, I don't care," he pouted.

"Oh really? Fine, I'll head out." Reid sat stubbornly still until Morgan's hand touched the doorknob.

"No!" He cried out before he could even think about it. Morgan chuckled and the next thing Reid knew, he was scooped up and being carried towards the bedroom. He didn't even bother struggling this time, instead reveling in the happiness of the moment. So, he thought, this is what being in love is like.

It was two in the morning and both men were asleep. It had gotten too warm under the covers, so they had drifted apart from each other. Reid woke up in a daze and reached out for Morgan, tugging on his shoulder so that he would lay flat on his back.

Morgan awoke to an incessant tugging on his shoulder. He took the hint and rolled onto his back, smiling when he felt a familiar head rest on his chest. Reid's happy sigh filled the room, and Morgan couldn't help himself. "Cling-y." He murmured, voice low and thick with sleep. Reid didn't bother responding, instead happily wiggling against Morgan's warm side and letting his eyes drift closed. He was on the verge of sleep when Morgan's arms wound around his waist. He smiled.

The shrill sound of the alarm woke Reid first, despite him being the heavier sleeper. He groaned in protest as he reached across Morgan's body, fumbling around until he found the snooze button. Once the offending sound was gone, he snuggled back under the covers and into Morgan, eyes sliding shut. He hummed in content when warm lips were pressed to the top of his head.

"Mornin', pretty boy." His voice was all husky and soft, making Reid's stomach flutter.

"Mmmnn, not yet." Reid groaned in response, pressing tighter against Morgan's side.

"You are the least "morning person" person I've ever met."

"Don't care. Hush. Five more minutes." Lazy fingers reached up and covered Morgan's mouth as Reid spoke.

"Baby, we should really get up. We have to go to work."

Reid's only response was a protesting whine, which Morgan chuckled at. When they were up, dressed, and sufficiently caffeine-d, it hit Reid.

"Um, Morgan?"

"Yes?"

"What are we going to tell the team?"

Morgan shrugged easily, flashing a grin, "nothing."

"Nothing?"

"We'll just act like we always do."

Reid reluctantly agreed and they were off, Morgan driving and the two bickering over radio stations. Morgan was dead set on listening to rap, which gave Reid a headache first thing in the morning. Reid wanted to listen to his favorite classical station, to which Morgan replied he was too tired to listen to, did Reid want him falling asleep at the wheel? When they pulled into the office, though, a tense silence fell over them. Morgan reached over and grabbed Reid's hand, giving it a squeeze.

The day was hell.

They couldn't look at each other without want setting them on fire. Now that they'd had a taste, they couldn't get enough. It was nearly impossible for them to go a whole day without any physical contact, and it made both of them tense and anxious. The second they got to the car, Morgan turned and captured Reid's lips in a kiss, swallowing the resounding moan.

"God, I've been dying to do that all day."

"I know, me too."

"I don't know how we're gonna swing this, kid. I could barely go 9 hours without touchin' you. What's gonna happen when we're on a case and have to go days?" Morgan shuddered at that thought, seeking out Reid's hand and holding it firmly in his, pressing his lips to each of Reid's knuckles.

"Well…we're just going to have to share a hotel room then, aren't we?" Morgan could hear the smile in Reid's voice and when he met his gaze, Reid surprised him by winking. When Morgan barked out a shocked laugh and raised his eyebrows, Reid flushed ten shades of red and buried his face in his hands. "Oh God…I so cannot pull that off," he groaned through his fingers, "I'm never saying anything like that ever again."

"Oh we'll see about that," Morgan teased. Reid grumbled in annoyed embarrassment.

"Just drive, please."

Their respective good moods lasted all night, leading to their light banter over cheap Chinese and mock-argument over what to watch. Morgan insisted on some random hockey game while Reid begged for some good ole Doctor Who. The argument was over when Reid flashed his puppy dog eyes and bit his lip. Damn kid was too cute for his own good.

_You love him._ Morgan jerked at the words, looking around in confusion. Reid was still happily watching his stupid show, there was no one else in the room, nowhere but his own head that the foreign words could have come from. He'd never had a thought like that, so solid it sounded like someone else had whispered it in his ear. Frankly, it scared the hell out of him. Then, Reid laid down and sleepily rested his head in Morgan's lap and he knew the words were true.

**AN: aren't they just too cute? Update tomorrow! :) **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: yoooo, I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I came down with the flu and ended up sleeping through the past two days. I hope you can forgive me. I love you all so much, honest to God your reviews are the light of my day. Thank you for being awesome! **

**P.S. I'm sorry for the amount of angst in this chapter. I promise I will make it up to you with plenty of fluff soon! Enjoy, my darlings. **

The rest of the week passed similarly. The work day, while still somewhat tense, was now punctuated with sly knowing glances and teasing winks that made one another blush. At night they couldn't get enough of each other, kissing and teasing and snuggling. Morgan had all but moved in with Reid and was currently trying to talk him into getting a puppy since Clooney had passed last year. Reid would argue _but dogs hate me!_ To which Morgan would ruffle his hair and respond with _no dog of mine could hate my pretty boy _and the argument would be lost to Morgan trying to kiss the shyness away from Reid's face.

That Sunday, they walked to Reid's favorite Indian restaurant. It was 32 degrees out and Reid was bundled up like it was below zero. He shivered and huddled next to Morgan the entire walk, talking about temperature averages in Virginia through his chattering teeth. When they got there, they stopped under the florescent sign. Snow began to flutter down from the clouds, swirling, dancing in the air before catching in their eyelashes and settling on the tips of the tips of Reid's hair. His nose was red and his cheeks were flushed pink and even though he was a few inches taller than Morgan he reminded him of a child just coming in from making snow angels.

When their lips met it was an intense meeting of icy against searing heat. Reid couldn't even stop to think about how Morgan could possibly be so warm in this weather, instead asking himself how one kiss could leave him breathless and dizzy. The swirling flakes that sparkled in the air, smiled as they sighed into one another's mouths.

When their second order of Naan came (skinny as he was, kid could eat), Reid made an announcement.

"So, I've done some research," he began around a mouthful of warm bread.

"Yeah, no surprise there," Morgan muttered, though he was grinning from ear to ear.

"_And_," Reid continued, mock annoyance in his voice, "I've decided that…I'd like to get a Labrador Retriever. Yellow, preferably. They're the number one family breed in America because of their gentle, easy to please nature. I think we should go look at the animal shelters around here before we go looking for breeders, though. I always told myself if I ever got a dog I wanted to rescue her."

Morgan's lips curled up in wonder at his pretty boy's revelation. "Her?" He had to ask.

"Well I, um, I also always thought if I ever got a dog, it'd be a girl."

"Whatever you want, pretty boy. I really appreciate you doing this." He was actually more touched than he let on. He knew for a fact Reid was almost as afraid of dogs as he was of the dark and the fact that he was willing to overcome his fear for the sake of Morgan's happiness…well, that meant more to Morgan than he could put into words.

The rest of the dinner flew by, Reid spouting off facts about Indian cuisine around mouthfuls of food and Morgan smiling at him like he was a winning lottery ticket. Both happy and full, they made their journey home. They were both quiet as they clung to each other for heat, forgoing conversation and instead thinking their own separate thoughts about how perfect this night had been and enjoying the sound of snow crunching under their feet. When they got home Reid immediately cranked up the heat. Once they had de-bundled, Reid turned around with a mischievous grin.

"Wanna play poker?"

And that's how they ended up sitting on the floor at midnight in their pajama's, playing a tie breaker round of poker as Reid muttered to himself about Morgan cheating because genius doctor Reid never loses. He was very pleased with himself when he won the round with a full house. Morgan interrupted his merciless bragging by capturing his lips. It was unexpectedly intense and they found themselves against the wall. When a strategic roll of Morgan's hips had a high pitched, keening whine tumbling from Reid's lips, they moved to the bedroom, undressing each other between kisses. When Morgan finished unbuttoning Reid's shirt and sliding it off his shoulders all too slowly, Reid shyly crossed his arms over his chest, blushing and looking at the ground. Morgan pinned said arms to his sides and spent the rest of the night showing him just how beautiful he thought he was.

The next morning found a certain doctor tangled up in the sheets, the happiest he'd been in his entire life. When he rolled over, though, he found that he was alone. His sleepy, sated brain took a moment to catch up, first thinking that Morgan had just run to the bathroom. When he heard a frantic, somewhat angry muttering from the living room, though, he panicked. He bolted upright and sprang out of bed. If he hadn't been so afraid, he would've laughed at himself tripping over his own legs tangled in the sheets. Instead, he ripped them away and darted out of the room.

"Um…D-Derek?" He asked timidly.

"I can't find my _fucking _shoe!" Was the only response he got.

"Huh?"

"Did I stutter? Where the hell did you fucking put them?"

"I didn't put them –"

"Dammit Reid," he snarled, "I'm not playing with you. I can't get the _fuck_ out of here without my other _goddamn _shoe."

"Morgan would you just calm down and tell me what's –"

"_Don't_," Morgan yelled, the word punctuated by his hand slamming into the wall, "tell me what to _fucking _be." He stormed around Reid's apartment, flipping over everything he could, getting progressively angrier.

"The bathroom."

"_What?" _

"Your _fucking _shoes are in the bathroom," his voice was low and shaky, "so you can get the _fuck _out of here." Morgan didn't even flinch at the sadness emanating from his voice or the tears swimming in his eyes, instead pushing him out of the way and onto the floor as he made his way to the bathroom. The door slammed shut as Reid sat on the floor and cried.

As the morning wore on, Morgan couldn't keep his eyes off the clock and grew progressively more panicked with every passing minute that Reid didn't show up. It didn't help that everything reminded him of the kid. When JJ came in carrying coffee, he thought of Reid's obsession and how he was such a little shit in the morning until he got it. He thought of the time he had accidentally mixed up their orders and Reid had literally spit black coffee over himself, scrunching up his face at the bitterness. What is _that? _He had asked as if Morgan had offended his religion. Or the time when they were sharing a hotel room and he had walked in on Reid singing along to _Tik-Tok_ by Ke$ha while getting ready. He tried to stay quiet but there was no way he couldn't laugh at pretty boy singing the words "the party don't start 'till I walk in."

He tried to calm himself down with rationalizing thoughts such as _Reid would never do anything stupid, _and, _he has to know that I was just having a flashback, right? _But when Hotch came in with anxiety swimming in his eyes and said that Reid wasn't answering his phone, Morgan immediately hopped up and announced,

"I'm gonna go ahead and go check on him. Make sure he's not sick or somethin'." He drove to Reid's without seeing where he was going, thanking God at every turn that he had yet to wreck. When he got there he didn't even bother to take the keys out of the car or even close the door for that matter, he simply sprinted up to Reid's apartment. He had never been more afraid, not even when Garcia had stepped out and said that Reid was in respiratory distress, than he was when Reid didn't answer. He didn't bother calling out for him, instead using his weight to break in. When he saw what lie behind the door, his heart sank.

Reid was laying on the floor, pupils the size of pencil lead, talking to himself. Drugged. Dilaudid. _Shit_.

"S-Spencer?" His voice was much calmer than he felt. It took Reid a ridiculous amount of time to make eye contact and smile a lazy smile. His whole body was melted to the floor and he looked more than relaxed, but his breathing was very obviously labored and his eyes kept unfocusing and snapping back to Morgan like he couldn't concentrate.

"Yeeeesss?"

"Shit, kid, what did you _do_?"

"I appear to have mistaken the floor for my bed," he frowned in confusion and started to sit up, but instead nodding off and shutting his eyes. He continued to mutter and his eyes fluttered open once again as he picked up as if in the middle of a conversation. "…and honestly, it's interesting that you bothered to come over here." Oh god. This was bad.

"Okay, kid, we're gonna get you up and get you to bed, 'kay?"

"I'm in bed," he mumbled, blinking and looking around then jerking in surprise as he saw he was laying on the floor. "Oh, no, I guess I'm not."

"Alright, Reid," Morgan began as he tried lifting Reid from the floor. His heart plummeted when Reid scowled and jerked away from his touch.

"Don't touch me. Leave."

"Kid-"

"No! I don't want you here. Why can't you just leave me to finish what I started?"

"Finish what you star…" an insight, dark and disturbing, took hold of Morgan's mind and wouldn't let go, he couldn't shake away the dread crawling up his throat. "Spencer, how much did you take?"

"Well, that's none of your business now, is it?"

"Reid, I need you to tell me right now how much you-"

"Morgan." Reid interjected, Morgan lifted his hand to cut him off, thinking Reid was going to once again trying to tell him to leave which he wasn't _about_ to do. Instead, he sat up, leaned over, and vomited. He was shaking and looking up at Morgan with fear flashing in his eyes as he began to cough. "I don't feel well." He was startlingly pale and his breathing became slower as time passed second by agonizing second.

"Spencer! How? Much? Did? You? Take?"

His eyes swam with tears as he finally answered the question. "Too much."

"We need to get you to the hospital."

"No! Morgan please, please whatever happens don't take me to the hospital. If you take me to the hospital I will _never _forgive you." The words were the clearest and most coherent he'd spoken since Morgan had arrived.

"Kid…"

"Promise! Promise me right now or get out."

"**_No_**_, _Reid. I can't promise you that. I am _not_ putting your _safety_ at a lesser importance than your discomfort with admitting that you need help." His voice was bordering on desperate as he tried to make Reid _understand._

"Then get out." His voice was dripping venom as he raised a shaky hand and pointed in the general direction of the door.

"Spencer-"

"God dammit, Morgan! I _hate _you!" He buried his face in his hands as he wept, and Morgan knelt down next to him, placing a trembling hand on his frighteningly cold shoulder. "I hate _myself_." The words were quiet and broken as his shoulders shook with sobs. Morgan pulled the younger agent into his lap and allowed his own tears to fall. He rocked them gently back and forth in an attempt to soothe Reid, but it only seemed to make him cry harder. He could feel the war going on inside of Spencer. The desire to fight against the one who had hurt him and the desire to allow himself to be comforted. He yanked away suddenly and Morgan was about to pull him back to his chest when he lurched forward and vomited once more.

Morgan's world stopped when Reid went limp in his arms.

**AN: stay tuned...muahahahahaha...**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: hey, I'm so sorry the last chapter sucked so bad. This one is better, I promise. Thanks for sticking with me. Now, onto what happens to our dear Spencer Reid! (Also, I haven't done this yet but I'd just like to make a disclaimer: I don't own this show or these characters. I'm just taking them out to play.) **

He was on autopilot when he scooped Reid into his arms and sprinted out the door. He flew down the stairs and out the door. He didn't stop to think how it came so naturally to him to manage open the passenger's side door and keep Reid cradled to his chest. He briefly and silently thanked God that no one had stolen the SUV considering he'd left the driver's side door open and the keys in the ignition. He turned the car on and took off, leaving the radio blaring some pop song about having one less problem without someone. He almost laughed at the bitter irony.

The drive to the hospital was a blur of panic and desperation and tears. Reid didn't regain consciousness. Exactly 31 minutes after Reid passed out, Morgan was pacing back and forth in the waiting room, tears swimming in his eyes. He couldn't stop thinking of the song _How to Save a Life _by The Fray and he couldn't stop thinking that this was his fault and he couldn't stop thinking that if Reid didn't make it he was going to kill himself. He was in the middle of planning it all out when a flurry of sparkles and pink and platinum blonde hair bursted through the doors of the ER and then Garcia was talking and asking questions and it all went straight over Morgan's head. She snapped her fingers in front of his face and he found himself thinking about how the sound came from the middle finger hitting the palm and not from the friction of the two fingers rubbing together and for some reason in that moment that was the saddest thing in the world. He collapsed into Garcia's arms and wept.

By the time the rest of the team got there 10 minutes later, he had somewhat regained his composure. Everyone courteously ignored his tear streaked face and blood shot eyes and averted their eyes when he wiped his face of remaining moisture. Morgan detachedly observed their separate reactions. JJ had tears swimming in her eyes, Garcia was rambling on about something or another all panicky and breathless. Callahan was biting her lip and her eyes were darting around nervously as she too observed the scene. Hotch was asking questions and attempting to conceal his fear and Rossi appeared to be calm but it didn't take a profiler to see the sadness dancing behind his eyes.

"Morgan, was this a suicide attempt?" Hotch didn't bother skirting around the question; they were all thinking it and they all knew it.

"I don't know." Morgan's voice was tight and his eyes were unfocused.

"What reason would he have for doing such a thing?"

"Dammit, Hotch! I said I _don't know._" He snapped, eyes finally meeting Hotch's. The room fell silent at Morgan's outburst. Thank the lord for the doctor walking out in that moment.

"Doctor!" They all cried, voices overflowing with different emotions but all with an underlying note of relief.

"I assume you're all here for agent Reid? I'm Dr. Regier." Announced the pleasant looking older gentleman in a kind, surprisingly soothing voice.

"_Doctor,_" JJ blurted out of habit, on autopilot by this point. Her voice was thick as her tears finally began to fall, "its Dr. Reid."

"Ah, yes, sorry. _Dr_. Reid suffered from respiratory distress due to Hydromorphone overdose. His breathing slowed until it finally stopped, but we were able to stabilize him and now have him hooked up to oxygen now and he should make a full recovery. He'll need to stay in the ICU overnight for monitoring, and then he'll probably need, ah, more _intensive_ psychiatric attention."

"Can we see him?" Garcia piped up from somewhere behind Morgan, who was still relishing in the relief coursing through his veins, suddenly exhausted as adrenaline seeped out of him and tiredness made a home curled up in his bones.

"Yes, you may see him now. Two or three at a time would be best while he-"

The poor doctor didn't even get to finish the sentence before every member of the team rushed passed him and into Reid's room. Morgan felt as if he had gotten kicked in the stomach when he saw Reid there, pale and limp, hooked up to a seemingly endless amount of machines, wires seeming to stick out of every surface on his body. The steady _drip drip drip _of the IV filled the room as they all stared in silence for a moment.

Morgan flashed back to the other night, effortlessly visualizing the pale body writhing beneath him, head thrown back in ecstasy. He heard in his mind the silence of the room being replaced with sighs that escalated to panting, panting that escalated into whimpers, then moans, cries, and then settling back into panting and then into sighs once more. He remembered when Reid fell asleep with a small, sweet smile on his face, and he had kissed his forehead and he had brushed his lips against Reid's ear with the words _I love you, I love you, I love you. _He remembered when he woke up the next morning feeling sick and trapped and afraid. He remembered when all the things that he'd thought so long ago echoed in his ears. _You're disgusting, you wanted it the whole time, if you really wanted to stop it you could, it's your __**fault. **__It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault. _He'd panicked and he'd lashed out and he'd made his sweet, innocent, pretty boy feel used and unloved and he hated himself for it.

A wave of nausea came over him at that thought and he rushed over to the trashcan sitting in the corner and vomited into it. How could Reid ever forgive him? How could he ever forgive himself? He was vaguely aware of a warm hand stroking up and down his back and soft words being spoken near his ear and the next thing he knew Garcia was sitting him in a chair and Rossi was handing him a bottle of water. He mouthed _thank you _and downed almost the entire thing in one gulp. He wasn't entirely sure when the chairs had gotten there or how everyone had gotten a bottle of water or soda. One thought struck him in the whirlwind of confusion blowing through his brain: _what about the kid's mom? _

"Uh, Hotch?"

"What is it, Morgan?"

"Diana."

"Excuse me?"

"Reid's mom. Has anyone called her? Should anyone call her? Would Spencer want that? Or should we wait and ask him? Would that be too much stress for him? To make that decision right away?" He rambled on, staring blankly ahead, somewhat watching the steady zig-zag monitoring Reid's heartbeat and thus his life. The team looked at each other with furrowed brows. The question hung in the air, unasked; _Spencer? Since when does he call Reid _Spencer_? _They communally tucked it away for a later date, instead focusing on what was important right now. It was obvious Morgan wasn't handling this well. He'd yet to call Garcia _baby girl _and it wasn't often that he stared into the distance, saying nothing. Of course, his saying nothing said everything and more. He was shaken up and he was exhausted and he loved Reid more than they thought.

The constant influx of nurses and the beeping and the dripping and the ticking of the machines in the room became a slow, comforting buzz of monotony. As time passed and color returned to Reid's cheeks, the air in the room grew progressively less tense. JJ called Prentiss to tell her what happened, who subsequently demanded to be put on speaker. Her voice further eased everyone's discomfort and they slipped into a halfhearted, teary session of reminiscing. They laughingly told her about karaoke at Rossi's favorite bar, Hotch promising to send her the video. When Emily was needed by a coworker, she demanded that someone call her as soon as Reid woke up and said that he had no choice but to talk to her. That made everyone smile, even Morgan. They all missed her, and knew that though he would protest the attention, it would certainly do Reid some good to talk with her. Callahan then demanded to see the karaoke video, which made them laugh with tears in their eyes as they watched Reid sing all happy. They collectively decided to call Blake tomorrow, then somewhat bitterly discussed what they thought Gideon would do. And though they all missed her, no one mentioned Elle.

2 hours later and he was still out, his steady breathing providing a constant source of comfort to each person in the room. The doctors had him sedated while the last of the drugs worked their way out of his system. One by one, members of the team had filed out, having children-related responsibilities to tend to. Henry left his Nintendo at school, Megan needed help with homework, and Jack was craving the special mac-n-cheese Hotch made. That left Rossi, Garcia, and Morgan sitting around Reid's bed. The doctor came in with his clipboard in hand, looking tired with dark circles rimming his eyes. He was older, maybe 55, with graying brown hair and dark blue eyes. Something about him was comforting, though. Maybe it was the sincerity of his voice or that he didn't bother faking a smile, instead wearing a genuine, sympathetic sadness like cologne.

"He'll probably sleep through the night. You guys can – should – go home, get some rest, and be here in the morning when he wakes up." He didn't stick around and pressure them, for which they were all grateful, instead taking a moment to check Spencer's vitals and patting Morgan on the shoulder as he walked out. Rossi left first about 15 minutes later, saying something about grabbing a bite to eat if Morgan or Garcia wanted to come, though Morgan had already made it abundantly clear some time ago that he wasn't leaving. Garcia thanked him for the offer, but laced her fingers with Morgan's and met Rossi's eyes to signal that Morgan needed her right now. Rossi smiled grimly, placed a gentle hand on Morgan's arm, and left. A half hour later Morgan leaned over and kissed Garcia's curly hair.

"Baby girl, you should go home. Go get something to eat, get some sleep. I'll be fine here."

"Morgan…"

"Really, Penelope. I'm okay. Thank you for everything. I tell you I love you recently?"

Garcia smiled smugly. "Yesterday. But it's still nice to hear. I love you too, hot chocolate."

"Now get your pretty little butt outta here, baby girl. I know how you feel about hospitals."

She made a face. "They're icky." She shuddered slightly as she looked around the room.

"I know, sweetness. Thanks for stickin' around. Don't forget to eat somethin'." His voice was finally returning to normal, laced with affection and warmth. Little did he know that had been what Garcia was waiting for. She had told herself that once his voice no longer held that cold, distant quality, she'd know it was okay to leave. So she wrapped her arms around Morgan and pressed her lips against Reid's hair and turned to leave.

"Hey mama?"

"Yes?"

"How in the hell did you know that we were in the hospital?" There was a hint of amusement in Morgan's tired voice.

Garcia giggled and winked, "I have my ways," she teased, to which Morgan shook his head a smiled slightly.

When she quietly shut the door behind her, Morgan could no longer restrain himself. He got up from his spot and crawled into the small hospital bed next to Reid, careful not to jostle any tubes or disconnect any wires. He slung his arm over Reid's warm torso, buried his face in his hair, and silently begged for forgiveness.

"I love you, Spencer Reid." He whispered, releasing a shaky breath and beginning to tear up once more. "I only hope you can still love me."


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: ****_I don't own Criminal Minds or these characters._**

** I feel like this chapter isn't as good as the last chapter, so I'm sorry in advance. Please don't hate me. I will update tomorrow or the next day, I pinky promise. Thank you all for sticking with me and reading my story. Now, onward!**

His brain swam with images, fuzzy flickering like some sort of strange, disjointed movie. Flashes of light and color danced across his eyelids. They faded, some beeping sound chasing them away, which frustrated Reid. He had been enjoying the show. The louder the beeping got, the more the pictures faded out. His throat began to hurt with an aching dryness as he began to float back into his body. He felt groggy and heavy, and he tried to open his eyes but they weighed too much. He wanted to ask for some water but the words caught in his throat. He finally managed a frustrated whimper and heard a familiar voice say,

"Reid!" At that he was all at once _him _again and his eyes flew open and memories washed in. Hotch was seated on a chair next to him, hair disheveled and dark circles under his eyes. It took his sleepy brain several moments to catch up when Hotch stood and poured a cup of water. Hotch lifted the cup to his lips and he gratefully drained the entire thing.

"Hotch." he croaked hoarsely. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Hotch, um…"

Hotch raised his hand to stop the flood of words he knew was coming. "Reid, if this happens again I will have no choice but to report it." His brain swam and he just blinked up at Hotch as he processed the words.

"You…you didn't report it?"

"No. I have you on a month long medical leave."

"A month? Hotch," Reid began protesting.

"Save it Reid. You are not to be in the office for the next month."

"Yes, sir." He relented.

"Reid…" he swallowed, "I, um, I made a list of _movies _playing in our area during the next few weeks. I strongly recommend you catch one of them."

"Thank you, Hotch." Reid muttered, catching onto the familiar code word easily as Hotch slipped a piece of paper into his hand that no doubt had a list of coming NA meetings written on it.

"Of course. Rossi will be in next…and Reid, take care of yourself, okay? Please." Reid's eyes watered at the words. Hotch's voice momentarily lost its usual cool, authoritative tone and took on one of mild pleading instead. This was almost an _I love you_ for the usually businesslike, no nonsense unit chief.

"_Thank you._" He whispered. Hotch patted him on the arm and stepped out, blinking away his own tears.

God, he was tired. God he didn't want to think about Morgan or what was coming next. God he wanted another hit. God, he was just _so tired._ Closing his eyes for a moment couldn't hurt anything, right? He just needed to escape for a minute. Just _one minute _of not thinking. The next time he woke up, Rossi was sitting in the same spot Hotch had been in. When Reid saw him he smiled slightly and cleared his throat to signal his waking.

"Hey, kiddo!" Rossi said, smiling when he saw the familiar warm brown of Reid's eyes.

"Hi Rossi." They sat in silence for a moment before Reid began. "I'm so sorry…"

"Look, Reid, I want you to know that _none of us_ _are disappointed in you_. What happened doesn't make you any less strong, or _any_ less of a person. So don't beat yourself up about it. Just get better. That's all we want." This made Reid's eyes fill with tears once more and he whispered a teary thank you. Rossi sat with him for a while, offering comfort with an easy, no pressure kind of silence. He got Reid another glass of water before he left. "Chin up, kiddo," he said, placing a hand on Reid's shoulder, "It'll all be okay, you'll see." And with a wink he was gone. This was his own strange, subtle version of _I love you. _

Garcia, on the other hand, was much less subtle with her love, flying in and immediately attacking Reid with hugs and kisses and muttering,

"Reid, so help me god if you ever scare us like that again..."

"I'm sorry, Garcia."

"Oh no you don't. Don't apologize to me, apologize to yourself. Seeing you awake is all the apology I need." She was smiling though tears were running down her face, making the words simultaneously the most unconvincing and the most sincere Reid had ever heard. "But I swear, Reid, if you _ever _scare me like that again I will be forced to hurt you." This made Reid smile, and Garcia grinned proudly. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then gasped "oh!" Making Reid jump. "There's someone else who wants to talk to you as well." She pressed a few buttons on her ridiculously sparkly phone, shoving it into Reid's hand and darting out the door.

He pressed it to his ear while it rang once, twice, three times. Then a familiar voice answered, "Hello?"

"Prentiss." He breathed, surprised at how **_good_** it was to hear her voice.

"Reid! Oh thank _god_ you're okay. What were you thinking?"

"I…wasn't." He replied.

"Guess there's a first time for everything." She muttered. Reid smiled once more and rolled his eyes even though she couldn't see.

"Ha ha ha." he deadpanned.

"So, what's this I hear about karaoke?" She asked, changing the subject. _Bless her, _Reid thought gratefully. She always knew just what to do. "Can we add _singing_ to Doctor Reid's ridiculously long list of talents?"

"Um…no. It sounded awful…but it was very fun." He admitted sheepishly.

"Can't _believe_ I missed it." He briefly imagined the look on her face, smiling at how easy it was even after all this time, and felt a rush of affection for his friend. He really loved Prentiss.

"I miss you, Emily." His voice was soft but confident.

"I miss you too, Reid. I really do. I love you."

"I love you too, Prentiss." They were both misty eyed by this point, grateful to be talking to one another.

She cleared her throat and Reid could hear her smile. "I bet I could still beat you at poker." She teased, and God Reid missed her so much it caused his heart to give an odd little flutter.

"That was one time!" He protested. They both laughed easily.

"That's because you stopped playing with me after that! I swear to God, Reid, no one pouts longer than you do."

"What? I do not pout, Emily!" He was laughing and she was laughing and she wondered briefly why she ever left in the first place.

"I suppose I should say something along the lines of _Spencer if you ever do that again I will rip off your junk and feed it to you._" Reid sat in wide-eyed shock before breaking into peals of laughter that was music to Emily's ears. "Well, my job here is done. Go talk to the rest of the team. And call me more often! I love you."

"I love you too." And she was gone.

"Um…Garcia?" Reid called, and Garcia came back in wearing a ridiculously sparkly pink top that wasn't half as bright as her self-satisfied smirk.

"I _knew _talking to her would be a good idea!"

"Of course you did. Thanks, Garcia." She pressed her lips to his forehead and ran her fingers through his hair.

"I love you, boy wonder. JJ is coming in next."

"Love you too, Garcia. Thanks again for calling Emily."

A few minutes later, JJ walked in with tears shining in her big blue eyes, forgoing conversation and instead climbing into bed with Reid. Reid slipped an arm around her shoulders, pressing a gentle peck to the top of her head.

"Jayje," Reid started, but JJ sat up and looked at him, unshed tears still glistening.

"Spence," she shook her head slightly and all at once Reid understood. Her sister had…no wonder she was taking this so hard. "_Don't_ apologize. Just do whatever it is you need to do to get better and don't _ever_…" her voice trailed off and Reid swam in guilt. He didn't know what else to do so he sat up and wrapped his arms around her so that she'd at least know he was _alive. _The two sat like that for a while, when JJ turned and cupped Reid's face in her hands, finding solace in the solidity of his skin. He was here and he was alive and for now he was safe. She hugged him before climbing out of his bed, turning when she reached the door.

"Uh, Callahan wanted me to tell you Meg isn't feeling well, so she won't make it. She also wanted me to remind you to _smile_." Reid flashed a somewhat sarcastic smile, making JJ giggle before she left.

No Callahan, which meant there was only one person he'd yet to see. The person whose presence he both craved and was terrified of. The person he wanted to see more than anyone, yet the thought of walking through the door made Reid want to hide under the covers. The love of his life he wasn't so sure could ever love him back. Especially now. Derek Morgan.

When the door handle turned, time seemed to slow. The door made a _whoosh_ing as it opened, and in stepped Morgan. While he didn't physically fill the entire doorframe, his presence instantly and effortlessly filled the entire _room_. He looked awful. His face was haggard and his eyes were glazed over with exhaustion. His clothes were wrinkled and unkempt, and even though Reid logically knew it wasn't possible, he looked significantly thinner. He hesitated for a moment, then awkwardly walked over to Reid's side, sinking into the chair on his left. He said nothing for several seconds, simply rubbing his face and sighing.

"Reid…I owe you an explanation."

"You don't-"

"_Yes, _Reid, I do. Spencer, that night was the best night of my life. But I woke up in the morning and I couldn't stop thinking about…_him. _About what he did to me, said to me. About the things I said to myself. I felt trapped and I panicked a I know that's not an excuse, and I had no right to treat you the way I did or say the things I said, but at least now you know why." He held his breath as he waited for Reid to reply. Relief coursed through him when Reid's eyes softened in the deepest sympathy, and his stomach tightened when his face crumpled in guilt. "No, no, no, kid. Don't do that. Don't go beatin' yourself up over this. I'm a big boy. I had shoulda said somethin' like an adult, but instead I ran away."

"Morgan…I'm so sorry. I should've known that was what was going on and-"

"No, Reid. You can't read my mind. It's not your responsibility to understand my every action. It's my responsibility to tell you what I'm goin' through."

"I wish you didn't feel that way, I wish you would've told me, and I understand why you did what you did, but…" silence filled the room as Morgan waited anxiously for Reid to finish the sentence. He bit his cheek and thought for a moment, before slowly saying, "When I was in high school, people used to ask me for help with school work. Usually they just ended up making me do all their work, but I did it because I was afraid of what they'd do to me if I didn't.

Then, one day, a boy named Michael Voth came up and asked me for assistance with algebra. He asked me to come over to his house and help him out. The next day, I did. And he was _nice_ to me. He said I was a good teacher, and that he understood the material better now and when we were done, he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I, of course, said yes. He put in a _Stephen King_ movie and popped some popcorn. I pretended not to be scared while he made fun of it. He asked me if I wanted to come over tomorrow and play video games. I almost passed out, I was so _excited. _We played video games and did homework at his house for the next few weeks, and I was so happy. I had my very first _friend. _He ate lunch with me and everything.

34 days after we started hanging out, he asked if I was going to the dance. I said I didn't have anyone to go with. He laughed and slung his arm around my shoulders and said _you have me." _Reid smiled sadly and shook his head. "My mom, she wasn't doing so well at the time, but she was so excited. The Friday of the dance she bought me a tie and she messed with my hair for an hour and she took probably a hundred pictures of me. I walked over to Michael's house, and I was so proud of myself. I had a new outfit and a friend. All was right with the world." His jaw clenched and his face hardened, bitterness beginning to seep into his voice.

"When we got to the dance, I was so nervous. Michael handed me a soda and said that it would _help me loosen up." _Another bitter smile. "I drank the whole thing, I just wanted to please Michael." He shook his head once more, licking his lips. "My mom never let me drink pop. She said refined sugar was the devils creation. I didn't know it wasn't supposed to taste like that…like vodka. It was almost straight alcohol. I, of course, had never had even a sip of alcohol, so it hit me hard. I was dizzy and felt _off_, but attributed it to nerves. Then, Michelle Cheng came up to me and asked if I wanted to dance. I should've known right then that…" he smiled a self-deprecating smile and gritted his teeth.

"Michelle Cheng was, by far, the prettiest girl at the dance. I still remember how beautiful she looked that night. When we were dancing…the alcohol really kicked in. I…I threw up on her and I peed my pants. Everyone was laughing. There were so many kids there. I was so _embarrassed_. I looked up to find Michael, and I saw he was recording the whole thing." Tears swam in his eyes for a moment, before his face hardened in anger. "The next week, the kids somehow managed to rig it up so that it would play during an assembly. By the time the teachers got it turned off, the whole school was laughing at me. Michael, my first and only friend, stood up and bowed." He swallowed thickly and shook his head as if shaking away the memory. "Morgan, I've _never _felt as worthless as I did in that moment. Except when you walked out that door."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: thank you all for the kind words. I love you guys so much. I don't know how I feel about this chapter, it seems a little rushed and just...idk. Please tell me how you feel about it. Thank you all again for being awesome. I love you. **

**_((I own nothing))_**

So that was Reid's explanation for needing a couple of days to think. He understood, and he told Reid as much. But that didn't mean every second away from Reid didn't ache. He missed the kid so much his teeth hurt. He spent his hours lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. After the longest three days of his life he realized that Reid wasn't going to come back to him. He was going to have to fight for this, for him. An idea hit him and he hopped up, smiling and grabbing his keys.

On the third day of not talking to Morgan, Reid's resolve was wavering. He had wanted to stay away for a while and think through this with his head and not his heart. But every night he climbed into a cold bed and it was like he was drowning. The sensation was so vivid he had nightmares about being in the middle of a cold dark lake and there were hands grabbing at his feet and he tried he tried he _tried _to kick them away but there were so _many _and they curled around his ankles and he wanted to open his mouth to scream but it was sewn shut by loneliness and guilt and self-hate. So the things lurking under the deceptively calm water pulled him further _further_ **_further_** underneath and try as he might to not breathe his lungs burned and his heart raced and he was so _cold _that all normal brain function seemed to cease so he opened his mouth only to find it full of…sheets? He sprang up out of bed, gasping and sobbing and wondering if just one hit, just one more hit, would really be that bad.

On the morning of his fourth day without Morgan, there was a knock on the door. A familiar knock, strong, confident, and sure. Before he could register what he was doing his legs were taking him to the door and he was opening it and all at once he could breathe again because standing there was Derek Morgan…with a puppy. Indeed, in his arms was a squirming mass of whimpering yellow fur.

"Can I…come in?"

"Um…what is that?"

"Well, genius, this is what we call a _dog._"

Reid wrinkled his nose adorably and it took every ounce of self-control for Morgan not to slam him into a wall and kiss him. "I know that, _Canis lupus familiaris. _I mean what is it doing _here?_"

"_She _is ours. I looked at every humane society within a three hour vicinity until I found a female yellow lab puppy. I mean, that's what you said you wanted. Her name is currently Elsie, but you can change it if you want to."

Reid shook his head and opened the door wider, gesturing into his apartment. Morgan set the puppy down on the floor, and Reid spluttered slightly, his eyes widening.

"What if it pees? Or eats something? Or breaks something? You can't just let it run around my house!" His voice took on that high pitched, shrill quality that it got when he was anxious about something. Morgan laughed at that, rolling his eyes.

"Do you have any old shoes?"

"What? I'm not letting it eat one of my shoes!"

"It's either an old shoe or your whole apartment." Morgan countered.

So, grumbling, Reid searched for a shoe he didn't mind giving up. Nearly fifteen minutes later and came back with a worn flip-flop that looked to be about three sizes too small, yet he still hesitated to give it to her. Morgan snickered at the look on his face when she took it in her mouth and shook it back and forth. He sat down on the couch, smiling as he watched Reid watch her with what appeared to be rapt fascination.

"Okay," he mumbled, "she's cute." Morgan grinned triumphantly. Reid sat down on the couch next to him and they lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. They both so desperately wanted to forget the whole thing and just kiss. It would've been so much easier to shove it all under the rug and instead take the time to relish in one another's company. God, they'd missed each other so much that the _want _in the room was nearly palpable. But alas, they knew this wouldn't just go away. They knew they were going to _have _to talk about it at some point. _Better sooner than later, _they thought. They both had so much to say.

"Morgan." "Reid." They began at the same time. Morgan gestured towards Reid, allowing him to speak first. He licked his lips and his gaze flickered to the floor and back to Morgan several times before he started to speak.

"Morgan, I love you. There is no doubt in my mind that I am _in love with you. _But Derek, if you're going to keep running, if you're going to keep ditching every time things get bad or you get scared, _I can't do this._"

"Pretty boy, _no_. That's not…I understand why you think that considering our past. But I promise I will never run from you again, I mean, the puppy…"

"You _understand_ _why I would think that? _Don't you mean that every time things have gotten too much, you've just left me behind? Morgan, you expect me to forget everything that happened and fall into your arms because you brought me a puppy I didn't even want? I'm not some teenage girl that's so desperate for you that I'm willing to put every single one of my own needs aside to be with you!" He was yelling slightly, face flushed and eyes dark with emotion.

"Dammit, Reid! I know that! That's not what I meant!"

"Then please, Morgan, enlighten me! What did you mean, huh? I'm not some desperate, no self-worth…"

"Do you even understand how I feel about you, Spencer?" Morgan yelled, effectively cutting him off. "I was going to kill myself! If you had died, I was going to kill myself because I don't want to be in a world without you in it!"

"That's exactly our problem! Morgan, _that's not healthy. _That's not how relationships are supposed to work! You're not supposed to be each other's whole world, do you realize how _unrealistic _that is? _We're in the FBI_, Derek. Every time we step into the field we risk death. How are either one of us supposed to work if we're afraid to take a risk because our life is the other person's life, too? You're not supposed to be each other's everything, Derek. You're supposed to be each other's _home_."

Derek closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath. "Okay, let's take a step back. I'm not thinking clearly and I'm saying things that I don't think I mean. Reid, I don't want to live in a world without you and nothing is going to change that. How could I? You're the light of my life. You're not my only happiness but you're my _favorite_. This, right here," he said, gesturing between the two of them, "is my favorite feeling. I could and I would live without you, and I say that because honestly if you wanted me to leave I would if it would make you happy. But it would be like living in a storm after a perfect spring day. There'd be moments of happiness, sure, moments of peace like when you sit in your house and listen to the rain hit your window, but they would be fleeting, it wouldn't be the _same_. To put it the way you did, it'd be like moving away from your _home _and into a box on the street. Reid, _I love you._ And what about you? How is this supposed to work if every time something goes wrong you turn to drugs?"

He knew the second the words were out of his mouth that that was a low blow. Reid hadn't _turned to drugs _because of an argument. Reid had used drugs as an escape because he had given Morgan a part of himself, more than just his virginity but his _trust _and his _vulnerability _and Morgan had betrayed it so thoroughly that Reid felt he'd had no other choice. He looked up at Reid and saw his eyes swimming with unshed tears. "Pretty boy…I didn't mean that."

"No, you're right." And with that he got up and disappeared. He flitted from room to room before coming back in with 4 small vials filled with clear fluid. Morgan instinctively lurched forward to reach for them, growling slightly at the offending objects, but Reid yanked his hand away. He held up a finger and turned, walking towards his window. He opened it and, with a quick flick of his wrist, threw all the vials onto the ground several stories below. He turned back around slowly, tears running down his face. "This is the first time in 7 years this house has been Dilaudid free." He said in a choked whisper. Morgan could no longer resist, hopping up and pulling Reid into his arms. He stayed like that for a moment before breaking away. "We're quite the pair, aren't we?" He muttered, using the back of his hand to wipe away tears.

Morgan chuckled halfheartedly, brushing Reid's hair from his face, "that we are, Spencer. That we are. But we're supposed to be together, Reid. I know it. I can f_eel _it. Can't you?"

The few moments it took Reid to answer were the most anxious of Morgan's life.

"Yes." He breathed. "Yes, I feel it too. I think we have some work to do, but I love you and I want to be with you."

"I love you too."

Reid's lips curled up in silent wonder. "You really love me?"

Morgan's brow furrowed in confusion. "Of course I do, kid. More than anything. Did you doubt that? My God, Spencer, did you sleep with me thinking I only _liked _you?"

Reid shrugged and chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Yeah, I just thought that was all _I _would ever get. Hell, I felt lucky to have that much." Morgan shook his head and pulled Reid once more into his arms, smiling when the kid burrowed deeper and breathed in his scent. He pressed kisses to his forehead and relished in the feeling of Reid in his arms. He rocked them back and forth, playing with his hair in that way Reid loved so much. He _purred _like a damn _cat_ and arched into Morgan's hand.

"Jesus, we are a mess, aren't we?" Morgan murmured.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about it." Reid's voice had that teasing lilt that Morgan had missed so much.

"You wouldn't?"

"Nah, I'm really good at cleaning."

That made both of them laugh, enjoying the feeling of being in one another's arms, when they heard a whimper behind them. Elsie was sitting there with the shoe dangling from her mouth, head cocked to the side.

"So uh, I might have not gotten any pet supplies in my hurry to get over here." Morgan mumbled sheepishly.

"Of course you didn't." Reid grumbled. He started towards his door, grabbing his coat and phone. "Well? Are you coming? She can't exactly eat my old shoe forever."

Morgan grinned, grabbing his keys and scooping up the puppy. "You know, unless you wanna drive, you're gonna have to hold the dog in the car." He laughed at the resulting look he got from Reid.

Morgan got Reid seated and the puppy in his lap. He walked over to the other side and climbed in, looking over at the two as he sat. Reid was looking at Elsie and she was just staring him in the eyes. She didn't look aggressive, though; she looked absolutely adoring. Morgan shook his head and chuckled as he started the car. He got a kick out of Reid's girlish squeal when the puppy licked his face, but melted when Reid began talking to her.

"You're so sweet, aren't you? Who's a good girl? You're so cute." He muttered softly to Elsie who was squirming with joy.

"You can pet her, kid. She doesn't have cooties." Morgan teased. He watched as Reid lifted his hand tentatively, like a child going to touch something they're not certain whether it was going to break or not. She wiggled happily when Reid gently ran his hand over her soft fur. Morgan almost hit another car as he watched Reid's face light up with childlike joy at her reaction. When they got to the pet store, Reid insisted on carrying her in. She'd successfully won him over, and it may have been the cutest damn thing Morgan had ever seen.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: another chapter I don't know how I feel about. Please let me know what you think. I thought I'd focused too much angst on Reid, so I decided to give Morgan an angsty storyline as well, but I don't write Morgan nearly as well as I write Reid and just ahhhhhhhh. Please review honestly. **

**PS. Thank you guys so much for all your kind words. I don't know what I'd do without you. **

**PPS. I don't own the show or these characters. **

It was one in the morning a month later when Morgan awoke from a strange dream and stirred, reaching for Reid instinctively, instead finding short, soft fuzz in his place. Elsie stretched out as he trailed his fingers over her ribs and made a soft noise, briefly making Morgan smile. She wasn't _supposed _to be allowed on the bed, Reid and Morgan had decided they day Morgan showed up with her, so why was she up there now, he wondered, and more importantly why _wasn't _Spencer? He sat up, taking a moment to pause as his head spun and black spots floated across his vision, and wandered throughout Reid's apartment until he noticed the bathroom down the hall had light glowing from underneath the door. He knocked on it softly, but to no avail. Reid didn't answer, but he did hear a strange sound that reminded him of when Elsie wanted something she couldn't have. He frowned and knocked more incessantly, and when Reid still didn't answer, he tried the handle, finding it unlocked. He pushed open the door and quietly called out,

"Kid?" His voice was husky and low, echoing throughout the bathroom. The resounding intake of breath when he saw Reid also echoed in the small space. There was his Spencer, curled up on the floor, knees pulled to his chest and hands gripping his arms so tight his knuckles had turned white. His loose shirt clung to his damp skin, despite it being rather chilly in his house. He was shaking and his teeth were chattering and he had his head resting against the toilet, eyes squeezed shut. It took him a moment to open them, and when he did they were watering with unshed tears. "Spencer!" Morgan was at his side in an instant, pressing his hand to Reid's too-warm forehead, smoothing his hair away from his face. "Reid, what's wrong?" The panic in his voice was evident and his hands fluttered around uselessly, wanting desperately to do _something. _

Reid finally met his eyes and gave a small, watery smile. "Its okay, Morgan. I, um…it gets like this…when…it'll pass in a bit. You can go back to bed. I know you have to get up in the-"

"I am not _about_ to do that, Kid. I'm not leavin' you. So what can I do? Do you need water? A cold washcloth?"

"No, it's okay. I'm too nauseous to drink anything right now. Really, Morgan, don't worry about me. I've been through it before. I can handle it alone."

"I know that, smartass. But just because you _can, _kid, doesn't mean you _should._ Please let me do something for you."

"Please, Derek, just go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you." His voice wavered and looked up at Morgan pitifully.

"_No, _Spencer," he insisted, "I'm staying with you." And with that he sank all the way to the floor and gathered Spencer in his arms. Spencer, in turn, snuggled his face into Morgan's shoulder and let his tears fall. Derek pulled away and hooked a finger under Reid's chin, using his other hand to brush away the moisture glistening on cheeks. "Kid, you don't have to go in to work tomorrow. Hotch will understand."

"My month is over. I want to go back. Really, I'm alright, this is all just a side-effect of withdrawal. Even the crying." He smiled a shaky smile. They lapsed into silence, Reid once again finding his way back into Morgan's arms. He rocked them slightly, flinching as he helplessly watched Reid sit up and vomit violently. He would've given anything to take away Reid's pain, even take it for himself. In fact, it should've been him, it was his fault after all. If he had just stayed that morning, explained what he was going through…"Stop." Came Reid's quiet voice just as the thought passed through Morgan's brain.

"Huh?"

"You're blaming yourself, Derek, I can feel it. This is not your fault, I'm responsible for my own actions. I'm an adult, despite what you think."

"What? I know you're an adult, I don't treat you like a child."

"Morgan, you carry me around more than you carry Elsie around."

"…ah…that doesn't…um…"

"Chill, Morgan. I didn't say I minded. I can handle a little babying when I know it comes from love."

"But it is my fault. If I had just,"

"_Shut up_, Morgan. I'll have you know that the first step to recovery from any type of addiction is to take responsibility for your own actions."

"But I should've..."

"Yeah, well, I should've not taken the Dilaudid, but we both did the thing we shouldn't have done and neither of us can change that. It does no good to go blaming ourselves, Morgan."

"I love you, pretty boy."

"I love you too. Even though you're an idiot." His voice, though rough and weak, had a teasing lilt to it.

Morgan smiled and tapped his finger against Reid's nose. "Okay, genius. Are you ready to come back to bed?"

"I think so," Reid started, standing, "Thank you for waiting up with me. I appreciate it. I just need to brush my teeth."

Morgan put a hand on his chest to stop him from walking any further. "Any time, kid. You know that. So please, Spencer, please don't try and send me away again." He closed his eyes and leaned into Reid's hand when it began gently stroking his cheek.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that would hurt you. I just…it's embarrassing, you seeing me like that."

"Pretty boy, I just want to be with you, I don't care whether you're sick or you're well. I don't think any less of you when you're struggling. Would you think any less of me if I was struggling?" Reid didn't hesitate in shaking his head, staring at Morgan like a wide-eyed child. He shifted slightly, but Reid didn't lighten his gaze. "…what?" He asked awkwardly.

"Nothing, you're just…I don't deserve you."

"_What? _What in the _hell _could possibly make you think that, Reid?"

"Well…I'm a drug addict, a screw-up." He made a disgusted face, "so how did I end up with someone like you? You're the most perfect person I know, confident and funny and kind and charming. I'm…"

"…smart and sweet and gentle? Not to mention the most selfless person I know. Well, _smart_ might be the understatement of the year, but you get the point. Don't go sellin' yourself short, kid. You're perfect in a very Reid way. Please don't say bad things about yourself. I hate it."

Reid said nothing, wiping away the gathering tears with the back of his hand then turning to brush his teeth. Once he thought them sufficiently brushed (meaning he brushed them four times, then rinsed with mouthwash about six) he turned back to Morgan, snuggling his face into his shoulder. Morgan ran his fingers through Reid's hair slowly, gently working his fingers through the tangles while Reid hummed and inhaled Morgan's scent happily. They stood like that for a moment, when the sound of familiar footsteps echoed down the hallway and then there was Elsie, waggling and happy and putting her paws on Morgan, who picked her up and allowed her to nibble his nose, drawing a laugh from Reid. The sound coursed through Morgan's veins like a shot of pure joy. He passed the puppy off to Reid then surprised him, scooping him up wedding style.

He walked them back to the bedroom, laying Reid down beneath the comforter. He kissed him gently, smiling against his lips when Reid reached up and wrapped his arms around Morgan's neck, pulling him down to deepen the kiss. He whimpered when Morgan pulled away, arching back up in an attempt to catch his lips once more.

"Not tonight, baby. Just let me hold you tonight, okay?"

"Derek, please. I need you."

"Pretty boy, I know you're feeling vulnerable and you just want to feel loved, but I do love you and you're not well so I can't, in good conscience, do anything that could hurt you. Seven minutes ago you were sitting on the bathroom floor, crying and vomiting. Now is not a good time. Plus, we have work in the morning."

"But…" He gave a frustrated whine before relenting. "Okay." Morgan slid into bed next to him, pulling him onto his chest. Within minutes Reid's breathing evened out and Morgan pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"Oh, pretty boy. What am I gonna do with you?" He asked the empty air as e shook his head, and then Reid made the cutest little mewing sound and burrowed into Morgan's chest, the cute little shit. He was going to be the death of him.

_No rest for the weary_, Reid thought the next morning when Garcia presented a case, and the team felt a collective wave of dread. As the bodies of dead, mutilated little boys crossed the screen, they all knew without saying that this was going to be a bad one. With grim expressions they loaded onto the jet thirty minutes later. Morgan and Reid took seats next to one another, Morgan's hand briefly snaking down to squeeze Reid's. When he let go, Reid briefly felt physically ill at the loss. Yeah, this was going to be a bad one.

And it was. It was a particularly horrifying one, in fact, but it definitely hit Morgan the hardest. They shouldn't have stayed after the case was closed, shouldn't have gone and talked to the victims. Hearing those little boys confess their shame and their disgust and their desire to just die rang through Morgan's ears while they got on the jet, while they unloaded and filed into their cars, while he drove in silence as Reid shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat. When they got in the house and he sat on the couch, saying nothing as he stared numbly at the wall, Reid had had enough.

"Morgan? Can you…do you…will you talk to me?"

"I know how they _feel, _Reid. I know exactly how they feel right now. Disgusted and ashamed, like there's something wrong with them. They hate themselves cuz they think it's their _fault._" His voice broke on the last word and he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, fighting tears. "And they'll never be the same. They'll feel broken and, and _used _for the rest of their lives. They'll spend years wondering why they were even born." He buried his face in his hands, biting his lips and trying to blink away the tears threatening at the corners of his eyes. He sat like that for a moment, and then Reid was there, on his lap, and he was whispering in his ear and cupping his face and willing away his own tears. He waited to speak until Morgan opened his eyes, using gentle fingers to wipe away the stray tears that had fallen.

"Derek Morgan what happened to you was not your fault any more than what happened to those boys was their fault. Morgan, you don't get to pick what happens to you, but you do get to decide how you react to it. You have handled what happened to you with amazing grace and amazing strength. You took the anger and you channeled it and you _made_ something of yourself, not only as a great FBI agent, but as a great son and brother and…and lover. You save lives and you make people happy, and there is _nothing_ wrong with you, there's something wrong with _him._"

"I didn't say _no, _Reid."

"Not saying no doesn't equal consent! If you were afraid, if you didn't explicitly say yes, if you were a minor, like you were, its abuse, and abuse is never your fault. Abusers don't give you the choice to say no, Morgan. That's just something they tell you so you won't tell anyone else. I know you know this, and I know knowing something and feeling them are two different things but I hope that hearing it from someone else, someone you love, would-" his words were cut off with lips pressed against his, soft and reverent.

For some reason Reid's gentle acceptance only made the tears threaten harder. "I love you, Reid. God, I love you so much."

Reid smirked and kissed him once more. "I know." He grinned at the look on Morgan's face, wrapping his arms around his neck as he muttered, "I love you too."

He stood up, sliding Reid off his lap and taking his hands. "Reid, we should tell the team." Panic fluttered across his face before resolve settled in.

"You're right."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: ((I own nothing. Criminal Minds and these characters belong to CBS.)) Alright guys, so this is the second to last chapter, but don't worry! I'm going to make this into a sort of series. I have a bunch of Morgan/Reid oneshots that I'll post, as a sort of "glimpses into their life after this story" type thing. I'm sorry if this chapter's not great, I was in a hurry to get to the next one; I'm really excited to write it. Now, onward! **

That night the anxiety loomed over them, hung in the air like a fog, almost palpable. Morgan paced back and forth, agitated, while Reid sat still, twitching like a rabbit. Finally he spoke up,

"Why don't we watch a movie?"

Morgan stopped walking, turning and staring at Reid like he'd spoken a foreign language. "Huh?"

"I just thought that maybe it'd be a good idea, since obviously neither of us are going to be able to sleep any time soon, and we can't just sit here in silence forever. It'll be relaxing, a distraction. I have several, or we could see if we could find one on TV. Hey, did you know that the first movie was-"

"Yeah, okay," Morgan interrupted, "Let's watch something. What do you have?"

"Um, Star Trek, Star Wars…I have The Breakfast Club."

Morgan nodded and Reid popped it into the DVD player. The settled on the couch, first sitting awkwardly side by side, but within 10 minutes, Reid had his head resting in Morgan's lap, Morgan gently playing with his hair.

"Spencer?"

His eyes fluttered open and he rolled over to peek up at Morgan through his lashes. "Yeah?"

"I like your hair like this." Reid stared at him in confusion, waiting for him to elaborate. "I like long. It's so soft, pretty." He said as he ran his fingers through it once more.

Reid flushed and hummed, nuzzling into Morgan's hand. "You think so?"

"Of course I do. But I think every part of you is pretty, hence the nickname."

Reid sat up slightly and his eyebrows pulled together. "Hm. I'd always thought you were teasing me, calling me pretty boy all the time. I guess I never thought it could be a compliment." His lips turned up slightly as he spoke.

"You truly underestimate how attractive you are, kid."

"Do you remember that time, 3 years ago when it was raining…" Reid's voice trailed off as he changed the subject. He wasn't really a fan of talking about his outward appearance.

"Oh God, and we got trapped here?" Morgan grinned, remembering.

"And the power went out!" Reid's voice was colored with amusement.

"And…"

"That was an _interesting _night."

"Indeed it was, pretty boy. Indeed it was."

_3 years ago. _

It had been a long week, a long case, and everyone was glad to go home and get some rest.

"Hey, pretty boy, you need a ride home?"

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks!"

"Alright, let me just grab my stuff real quick."

They were halfway to Reid's apartment when it started to rain. By the time they got there, it was raining hard enough that they couldn't see out the windshield at all and Reid was biting his knuckles anxiously. Driving had always made him nervous, let alone driving when you couldn't see 4 feet in front of you. He breathed a sigh of relief when they pulled in, turning to look at Morgan.

"You can't drive home in this."

"I've been drivin' for a long time, kid. Don't you worry about me."

"No, why don't you come in and wait for the storm to clear up? I have coffee." And that's how they ended up sitting on Reid's couch, sipping coffee that was much too sweet for Morgan's liking at 11:00 in the evening, listening to the torrential downpour outside. The lights began to flicker and Reid groaned. Then, there was a whirring sound and the power shut off completely. Morgan could hear the anxious whimper escape Reid's lips from across the couch. "Morgan?" He called breathily, voice high pitched.

"I'm right here, kid. Why don't you scoot a little closer? It's about to get real chilly in here if the heating shut off too." Reid was at his side in an instant, and when lightning flooded the room Morgan could see the fear coloring his features. He could feel the shivers running through the younger man's body, and acting on instinct he slung an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer. It was the first time that he'd ever held Spencer so close, and it was the first time he'd thought of Reid as _his _pretty boy. It scared him to death. When he left he went straight to the nearest club and brought home a girl. He never even learned her name.

_Present day. _

"I'm pretty sure that's when I fell in love with you." For once, Morgan actually sounded bashful.

Reid didn't say anything, simply twisting around to stare into Morgan's eyes, then capture his lips in a fierce kiss. The _I love you too _went felt but unspoken. And with that they lapsed once more into silence, entranced by the movie though Morgan had seen it upwards of 3 times and Spencer could, of course, recite every line. When the credits started rolling, Morgan realized how tired he was. He stretched and placed a hand on Reid's shoulder.

"Pretty boy, you tired yet?" No response. "Kid?" He glanced down and smiled; Reid had fallen asleep. He took that moment to admire his lover, for Reid was shy and got uncomfortable when Morgan stared for too long. His hair was all splayed out across Morgan's lap, soft-looking and shiny. He looked so young in sleep, so peaceful. Like an angel. His long lashes brushed against his cheekbones, which were blooming with color and his lips were parted ever-so-slightly. Morgan couldn't resist once again pulling his fingers through Reid's hair, and when he made a soft humming sound in his sleep, Morgan couldn't resist leaning down to ghost his lips against Reid's.

It was truly a pleasant way to wake up, a kiss from Derek Morgan. He smiled against Derek's lips, sighing into the kiss. His eyes were still closed, so it came as a shock when Morgan scooped him up and headed for the bedroom, but he was far too tired to protest, so instead he turned and snuggled his face into the crook of Morgan's shoulder, eyes slipping shut once more. He wasn't even able to stay awake the whole walk to the room, falling asleep right there in Morgan's arms.

Morgan's heart swelled when he realized that Reid had fallen asleep in his arms. The innocent gesture, so full of trust, meant a lot coming from someone as wary as Spencer and he had never loved anyone the way he loved Reid, and he knew in that moment that he never would. When he reached the bedroom, he silently thanked God that the light was already off and deftly slid them both into bed, so that Reid's back was pressed against him and his arm was draped across Spencer's waist. It took less than 5 minutes for Morgan to fall asleep as well.

When the alarm went off in the morning, Reid made no move to turn it off, he simply burrowed deeper under the covers and pulled his pillow over his head. He sighed in relief when Morgan turned it off, and shivered at the sudden cold when Morgan got out of bed. The next time he woke up, it was to the smell of coffee.

"Mmm, you made coffee." He groaned when Morgan walked back into the room with a cup. He sat up and reached for it like a child asking wordlessly for a toy.

"Uh-uh. You don't get this until you get your butt outta bed and get dressed."

"Morgan you sonofa-"

"You better hurry before I drink it all." Morgan teased.

Reid's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Hmm, you really wanna find out?" And with that he turned and left.

It took Reid all of 6 minutes to stumble into the kitchen, looking tired but otherwise ready for the day. "Coffee." It wasn't even a question, it was a demand as he reached towards the cup Morgan was still holding. Morgan chuckled and handed it off to him.

"2 tablespoons of sugar and a splash of milk for Princess Spencer."

Reid stopped his greedy drinking to stick his tongue out at Morgan, which only succeeded in making him laugh once more. Once the cup was successfully drained, he remembered. "So…today's the day, isn't it?"

The humor drained out of Morgan's face, just like that. He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yep, pretty boy, today is the day."

The ride to work was mostly silent, neither agent even bothering to turn on the music. They held hands tightly the whole way, thinking their separate thoughts of what they would do if the team didn't react well. Reid decided he would just request a transfer. Morgan decided he would have a _chat _with whoever disapproved. When they pulled into their parking spot, Morgan turned and kissed Reid forcefully, the message clear. _I love you. No matter what. _And with that they walked in.

It ended up being Reid who gathered everyone in the round table room, Morgan couldn't bring himself to do it. Once everyone was seated, they both stood. They took a moment to study the team, each wearing various looks of anxiety. Morgan cleared his throat and began.

"Alright, so, Reid and I have something we need to tell you."

"Yeah, we guessed that. So, out with it." Rossi snarked.

"We're…" Morgan trailed off, seemingly unable to complete the sentence.

"A couple." Reid finished. They each held their breaths as they watched the team absorb the information. When the room stayed quiet, Reid laughed nervously and said "someone please say something?"

"Well…_duh._" Penelope was the first one to speak. That opened the floodgates.

"That's it? You had us all worked up over nothing." JJ shook her head and laughed to herself.

"Wow. Anticlimactic much?" Came Rossi's voice.

"Honestly, boys. Hate to break it to ya, but that was _lame." _Callahan smiled affectionately at them.

"Wait…you guys knew?" Reid's voice was incredulous.

"We knew before you guys did." Hotch said.

Reid threw his hands up in frustration. "All that for nothing that's just. Great. Fan-tastic."

"Aww, Spence. We're happy for you guys. We're just…not surprised, that's all." JJ said, standing and wrapping an arm around Reid's waist. Everyone else followed suit, standing and hugging the two of them, saying their congratulations. When JJ got to Morgan, she stood on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck so that she could whisper in his ear.

"Take care of him, Morgan." Morgan pulled back and winked, to which she simply rolled her eyes.

Reid, of course, noticed the exchange, and pondered over what she could've said. His musings were interrupted when Hotch's voice carried over the laughter easily.

"Reid, Morgan, can I talk to you two for a moment?"

They glanced at each other, following Hotch out of the room and into his office. They shared a nervous look when Hotch gestured towards the chairs in front of his desk and told them to sit.

"I'm good." Morgan said.

"I'll stand." Reid's voice was significantly more timid, but carried the same undercurrent of sureness. It was obvious they'd already braced themselves for the worst. Hotch opted to sit, folding his hands on his desk.

"I'm perfectly okay with your relationship, but if it starts interfering with your performance out in the field, one of you will be getting transferred." _That's it? _Both Morgan and Reid thought at the same time. They nodded, smiling, relieved. Hotch stood and shook both of their hands, smiling a rare, genuine smile. "I'm happy for you both. Treat each other well, and please, try and keep the PDA at work to a minimum." They all three laughed at that, and began heading back to the round table room.

"Wait, Morgan." Reid grabbed his shirt sleeve.

"What is it, kid?"

"What, uh, what did JJ say to you?"

"She just told me to take care of you." Morgan said, ruffling Reid's hair.

That made Reid smile and blush. He loved JJ, and was glad to know she loved him as much. When they got back to the team, Rossi asked if they wanted to come over and celebrate tonight, it was Friday after all. They each agreed gladly. An idea came to Morgan and he grinned, pulling Rossi aside.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: so, this is the last chapter. I'm sorry it's so short, but I think it gets the point across well. The song I mention later is ****_The Finish Line _****originally sang by Snow Patrol, but the one I imagined in the scene is the cover sang by Charlotte Lawrence. I own neither that nor Criminal Minds or any of these characters. Enjoy, and thank you guys ****_so so _****much for reading, reviewing, following, favoriting, etc. I love you all. I will be posting a oneshot sometime later this week. Alright, let's get to it! **

Fewer people showed up at Rossi's than Reid had expected, for usually the older agent invited half the bureau whenever he threw a party. But what the party lacked in quantity, it more than made up for in quality. Spencer and Derek got to Rossi's last. They let themselves in and walked to the door that led to the backyard, both momentarily surprised at what lay outside. It looked beautiful, lights along the pathway and strewn above their heads, twinkling beautifully among the stars. Not only was the scenery stunning, but everyone looked lovely as well. Reid couldn't help but notice the girls and how pretty they each looked. JJ had her hair in gentle layered curls, and she was adorned in a soft pink dress that brushed her knees. It was the first time anyone had seen Callahan outside of work clothing, and Morgan and Reid both noted to themselves how beautiful she looked. She had straightened her hair and wore a deep red dress that skimmed the ground. Garcia's dress was covered in some sort of fur vest, but she looked nice nonetheless.

Morgan and Reid each thought to themselves about how nice the other looked, as it was rare for either of them to wear a suit, let alone ones that fit as nicely as the ones they were wearing did. With that thought, Reid glanced over at his partner, grinning when he saw Morgan was already looking at him. They linked hands and stepped outside. The backyard erupted in a chorus of voices as each member of the team welcomed them warmly. They were all grinning mischievously, and just when Spencer was about to ask what was up, he saw. Alex and Emily both stepped out into the open space, surprising even Morgan. This hadn't been part of the plan, but it was definitely a more than welcome surprise to say the least. Spencer stared wordlessly at them, suddenly blinking back tears. They both looked gorgeous, Emily's hair had gotten so long and she wore it in the angelic curls that Garcia always complimented. Alex, too, looked great. There was a sparkle in her eyes that hadn't been there when she'd left. She'd straightened her hair for the occasion, and opted for a long skirt and a pretty, flow-y top instead of a dress.

"_Guys_!" Morgan was the one to break the spell, and with that both girls ran up and hugged the two men. Morgan picked them each up and spun them, while Reid just held them close like he couldn't believe they were real.

It was chilly and their collective breath swirled abstract patterns in the air before ghosting up into the stars. The whole scene looked surreal, like something out of a fairytale. The moon was low on the horizon and an almost blinding white. Music played softly in the background. Reid smiled as he recognized Mozart's _Symphony Number 7_. As he released them, Spencer spun each girl like one would during a ballroom dance, making them both laugh. Everyone felt giddy, even Hotch was smiling and laughing and giving those around him occasional affectionate touches. Morgan and Reid didn't stay glued to each other like everyone had thought they would, but every once in a while one would look up from whoever they were talking to only to see the other already staring. Morgan would wink and Reid would blush and the whole group could feel the _I love you _radiate from each of them.

There was a beep and Rossi said something in Italian that none of them quite caught. A few minutes later he called outside,

"Y'know, I cooked the damn meal, the least one of you could do is help me carry it outside." Everyone grinned and shook their heads and followed each other into the house. Everyone grabbed something and headed back out. There was a _crash _and when everyone turned around Reid was staring at a shattered dish on the ground with wide eyes. There was a moment of tense silence before everyone broke out in laughter, even Rossi, allowing Reid to breathe a sigh of relief before apologizing profusely.

"It's alright, Reid, I have a million others just like it," he assured with an easy wave of his hand, "Now shut up, and go get everything on the table." He pointed in the general direction of the table pointedly, and Morgan grasped Reid's shoulder to steer him there.

Once they got the table set, it had dropped a few more degrees, leaving them all bright-eyed and pink-nosed. They conversed easily while they ate, Emily sharing of her time in London, Alex of her teaching. They laughed over memories from their days together, and relished in the bittersweet nostalgia. Both Alex and Emily took an immediate liking to Kate, and together with Penelope, they all shared first-date horror stories while the rest of the team listened on in amusement.

"When I was 21" Emily began, "I went out with this guy who said something about his mom being good looking and when I didn't reply he just started hitting his head on the table muttering 'stupid, stupid, stupid' to himself."

"I once had a guy show up to my house on a skateboard," Kate said, "he was 30."

"I went out with this guy, had a great time, but when we got in the car there was a spider on the windshield. He jumped outside and threw his shoe at me, yelling at me to kill it." Alex was laughing through the story, as was everyone else. When dinner was over, they stood back up moved over under the lights once more. That was when Morgan started acting…weird. He got clingy with Reid, shifty and silent as he slung his arm over Reid's shoulder almost possessively. Reid was about to say something when he noticed the rest of the team had gathered into a group, leaving the two of them standing alone in the middle of the yard. He drew away from Morgan to face him directly.

"Okay, Derek, what's going on?"

Derek took Reid's hands in his and met his gaze. "I love you, Spencer Reid, and I want nothing more in my life than to make you smile every day. You're my future and you're my home," time stopped when he sank down to one knee, and Reid was certain the moment would be forever imprinted in his mind, eidetic memory or no eidetic memory.

It was cool, bordering on cold, leaving Morgan red-nosed and flushed. His eyes glittered with meaning and unshed tears. The music in the background suddenly seemed very loud, and though he had never heard the song he was taken with how beautiful it was.

_I feel like I am watching everything from space, and in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake._

_I think the finish line's a good place we could start, so take a deep breath take in all that you could want_, the feminine voice sang.

The words seemed fitting.

His eyes momentarily darted up to his team, all of whom were also pink cheeked with cold and bright-eyed with emotion. He looked back down at Morgan and _God_ no one had ever looked as perfect as Derek did in that moment.

"Will you marry me?" Morgan's soft, enchanting voice broke Reid's reverie, yet he could still do nothing more than stare down at him in stunned, disbelieving silence. "I figured you'd have something to say." Morgan encouraged.

Spencer smiled and shook his head, "I'm speechless." He murmured softly.

Morgan chuckled in nervous disbelief. "_You're_ speechless. Huh. I never thought I'd see the day." Reid just shrugged, blinking to fight the tears. "Spencer, I love you more than anything in the world. Will you please marry me?" Morgan, too, sounded like he was on the verge of tears, and he peeked up at Reid through his lashes sweetly. If Reid had ever had any doubts, they vanished in that moment.

Spencer smiled and whispered, "I'm trying to accurately put my response into words because _yes _just doesn't even come close to cutting it." At those words the team began cheering, but Reid wasn't yet done. "Derek, after Maeve, I thought I'd never be happy again. I thought I saw my future die right there in front my eyes that day." He smiled a poignantly sad smile before continuing, "I was wrong, Morgan, I was _so_ wrong." He blinked away tears once more and shook his head, "my future just _began_."

**AN: thank you guys so much again for sticking with me. I really do appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. **


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